


The Trouble With Royalty

by Townycod13



Series: The Problem with Fantasy [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Fantasy, M/M, Swearing, aged-up, mentions/hints of other ships, stick of truth-ish, this is what happens when i get frustrated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-12 17:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13552575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/pseuds/Townycod13
Summary: Kenny had a few regrets in his life. One of which was definitely the idiot he just saved from certain death.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> was actually writing a completely different (but sorta similar) fic when I got distracted and then this happened XD

His muscles burned.

Everything burned for that matter. Every inch screaming and aching with pain, begging for the world to stop. It would hurt less if stop could be afforded. If there was a possibility to have pushed far enough.

There was no such hope.

He ground his teeth and continued to pull the dead weight behind him. He had to keep moving and quickly.

There was more at stake than just sore muscles if he put a stop to his seemingly endless hike.

Why couldn’t he just leave the fucking pathetic royal pain in the ass to die? He wanted to, oh _how_ he wanted to. He was more than prepared to drop the weight and become at least a little lighter on his feet.

Days like this he sort of wished he didn’t have a fucking brain because he’d answered his own damn question. He couldn’t leave the loser to die _because_ of the damn social status that placed him so highly on the food chain.

If an international incident of this degree were to occur, there would be war. And who was it that suffered the most in wars? He could have snarled at the unconscious man behind him because it certainly wasn’t Mr. Born-Better-Than-The-Rest.

The fucking people. Especially people that lived in tiny ass villages near borders.

People like his friends and family.

Oh how he _despised_ the man he was dragging. He’d never once had a conversation but everything the bastard represented honestly made his blood boil.

Why did he have to have half a brain? Why did he have to work himself half to death over some probably ungrateful royal bastard?

Because that was the type of person he’d chosen to be. The sort his baby sister could look up to. The sort that helped those that were down on their luck and protected the innocent.

He fucking hated his own dumbass decisions sometimes. Being a good guy was seriously over-rated.

“Nnn…”

He didn’t stop to listen to the mans stirs. Ideally when the stupid king woke up he would help by making himself scarce but it was more likely he’d throw some kingly bitch-fit.

Kenny was familiar with the royal type. Bunch of bitchy little tits, the lot of them.

So he decided to ignore the groans as he pushed his muscles even further passed the point of no return.

“What the… who…” groan, “Who are you? Unhand me!”

What did he say? The ungrateful tit was already starting up with that regal bullshit voice. The one that royalty liked to pretend meant that those ‘less’ than them had to obey.

Kenny wasn’t in a listening mood.

“Where are we? Why are you,” struggling for words, “dragging me? Where are we going?”

Kenny rolled his eyes, “Use your damn brains.” He growled out in lieu of an actual answer. Because really? He wasn’t about to deal with this shit.

To his surprise the displeased monarch did lapse into a thoughtful pause. Either that or the tit was too scared to ask again.

Maybe the damn idiot had put together the sounds of pursuers in the distance or noticed that Kenny didn’t seem to be aggressive outside of the firm hold on his ‘lordship’ but he let out a small sound of realization.

“You can let me go, I can walk.”

It would have been a reasonable statement in anyone else’s voice, but the tones of a king _grated_ on Kenny’s every nerve and he couldn’t help snapping in response, “Are you sure? That would have been helpful a few miles ago, _your heaviness_.”

Kenny tried to remind himself that he was trying to _avoid_ an international incident. It was hard. But he ground up was left of his nonexistent pride and dropped the king unceremoniously. Asshole wanted to walk, he was _more_ than welcome to. Kenny’s fucking entire _being_ ached.

Whatever indignant response his highness was likely to cook up was cut short by the sounds of irrational and stupid people growing closer. Kenny didn’t stop his hike and to his credit, the lousy king scrambled to his feet and began to follow without comment.

“Thank you.”

Okay, some comment. Kenny scowled at it. He didn’t want any thankfulness from the royal pain, “You’re not welcome.”

They picked up the pace, Kenny was at least grateful that he could increase speed without the bastard dragging behind him. He was also able to switch routes. He might be able to get them out of the forest and into a somewhat safe territory if—

“Why did you do it?”

\--why did royalty just _love_ to hear themselves talk?

“Do what?” Kenny growled back.

“Save me, I mean, you’re… human, right?”

Kenny pulled his cloak closer to his face. He was willing to help the stupid king but he would rather not be a recognizable face to him. He’d only made that mistake with royalty once before. He did not want to do that again.

“Why do you think, your dimwittedness?”

There was a sharp intake of breath, clearly kingy was trying to hold his temper, Kenny would give him credit for that at least.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “That's why I’m asking. You clearly don't hold me in any high regard and you have no obligation to help me.”

“Somehow I don’t fancy your stupid people killing the shit out of my fucking people in response to a bunch of fucking idiots thinking it's a good fucking plan to kidnap and kill the king of a neighboring country. Sounds like a dumbass way to die to me.”

Kyle was blessedly silent for a while after that and Kenny was trying very hard not to remember how much his entire body _burned_.

Aside from the tear in muscles that came with pushing ones physical abilities beyond their limits, there were also the _literal_ burns that came with rescuing a _stupid and pathetic royal idiot from burning to death in his stupid sleep_.

He knew that the stupid war-mongering bastards had to have knocked him unconscious but he still couldn’t help but resent the idiot for staying blissfully asleep as Kenny walked through fire for the idiot.

Oh, _how_ he hated royalty.

They were almost in the clear. Kenny knew about a nearby village that had just enough quiet places to lay low while this all blew over. He groaned aloud then, realizing this plan would require him to talk to the stupid king again. Silence had been so nice. So, so, so nice.

“What? What is it?” king moron himself sounded alarmed at the possibility of more trouble.

Wuss.

Kenny turned to him. “We’re going into town. Take off that stupid robe-thing, I’m going to throw it away.” He shrugged off his own cloak, despising the way it robbed him of what little anonymity he had in the situation. He just had to hope that this particular king was bad with faces. “Put this on.”

The king did this with surprisingly little complaint and Kenny _almost_ felt like amending his opinion that all royals were whiney little obnoxious bitches. _Almost_.

It was easy enough to bury the stupid robe under a bush. It wasn’t the best hiding place but unless they knew to look in this specific area, there was a very slim chance of anyone finding it.

Finally, Kenny chanced an actual look at his unpleasant companion. He hadn’t wanted nor cared to know what the idiot looked like. All he knew was it was a king and this was a war in the making.

Green eyes were observing him with some level of horror and guilt before a solemn mask of responsibility took control of the expression.

Oh, please let this not be that damn king about to do something stupid like trying to take charge. _Please_. Kenny had done the right thing _all day_ today and he really didn’t want his life getting any harder.

“You’re burned.” He said simply, lamely, stupidly. Kenny couldn’t pick an adjective. They all fit.

“No shit.” Kenny ground back and turned away to continue his march.

So Kingy didn’t like the marks left behind from his own rescue, huh? Well too-fucking-bad. He’d have to look at the stupid burns all the way to town because _someone_ needed a cloak to hide his damn ears.

Goddamn royal prick. Couldn't just be grateful and shut up.

When they reached town there was only one place to go that he knew no one would look for them.

He went to the local whore-house.

It wasn’t much. It wasn’t much of a village. It was a small pub on the outskirts that, for the right amount, one of the waitresses could become yours for an evening. There were three upstairs bedrooms and on occasion there was a wait.

Kenny liked it because it was a great place to gather and plant information. He could let people know that he and his companion had been out camping and saw his royal moronic-ness fleeing in the exact opposite direction. He could get a room for the night too.

“Kenny!”

Kenny cursed mentally at the singular flaw in his plan. Bebe, the lovely waitress that made her way to him with concern in her eyes, knew his name and had no reason to avoid using it.

Days like this he really hated his life. At this point all his royal friend _didn’t_ know was his fucking home address. He shuddered at the thought.

“Bebe!” he greeted back with enthusiasm, “I’m so sorry to ask, but do you think my friend and I could rest upstairs a bit? We were out hunting when this crazy elf-looking mother fucker jumped us. Took all our weapons and fucking fled towards the keep.” He gestured at his burns with a flinch, “Bastard went as far as to use fucking magic even though he had us beat.”

He made sure his voice carried across the bar. Patrons listened with some interest but ultimately found their drinks more entertaining. It would be enough.

He credited his kingship with not responding to the slurs. At least the idiot could play it cool.

Bebe cooed and immediately ushered them upstairs free of charge. _Anything for you Kenny, I still owe you for those fabulous shoes_ , she purred.

Kenny liked Bebe. She was a solid bro.

“I’ll get you some salve for that,” she said with only a little disgust at the blisters marring his arms and legs, “Fucking elf-trash, if I ever get ahold of the bastard I’ll tear his stupid ears off.”

Kenny knew she only half meant it. Bebe was one of those people that said things like that because everyone else did. She had no personal reason or motivation for the prejudice sentiment. But he also knew that his royal companion _didn’t_ know Bebe and tensed just a bit at what he might do to his good friend with his perceived power of royalty.

Kings, as it turned out, only really had power when people gave it to them. The high king of the elves wasn’t going to have any power in a small village of slightly prejudiced and dimwitted people.

Kingy made no comment though and Bebe excused herself without incident.

Kenny decided to get ahead of the issue, “Bebe doesn’t mean anything by it. She doesn’t really know any different. And she’s helping us.”

He felt like the last part was the most important. Make sure he knew that he owed his life to the kind waitress.

To his utter surprise the only response he got was a shrug, “I’ve heard much worse. She only feels that way now because of your cover story.”

There was some accusation in his voice and Kenny glared at him, “Okay, next time, I _won’t_ send search parties in the opposite direction. I’m sure the alternative would be a _warm_ welcome.” He gestured at his blisters meaningfully.

The kings mouth formed an O shape and he curled up on himself a little, “You seem used to this.”

Kenny shrugged, “Throwing off pursuers isn’t complicated. Don't be a fucking idiot, keep a low profile, and feed into peoples expectations. I think you’re probably just too used to letting your royal brain turn to mush under meaningless praise to understand basic shit.”

The king bristled, “What is it you have against me, anyway? I thought maybe you had an issue with elves but all you ever comment on is my status.”

Kenny met him with a deadpan look, “Did you really just answer your own question.”

Before he could give his retort there was a soft knock and Bebe returned with some bandages and a bucket of water. He mentally noted that he would have to pay her back somehow. He couldn’t give her anything currently but maybe he could get royal pain over there to at least replenish the supplies she was using on him.

It was a quiet and soft conversation between the two while Bebe asked where to start and worked unflinchingly on the task at hand. He knew that the gross factor was high-enough for her that she was going into her professional mode. Don't think about how weird or gross whatever it is your looking at is and give the customer your kindest voice.

He really owed Bebe for this.

“I’ll let you guys rest, okay? And Kenny, I know this is harsh, but I’m going to need you out of here if a customer requests me. Try to get some rest while you can, okay?”

With that the only sound that greeted them was the bustle of the bar below.

“Is she a—“

He rolled his eyes, “Yes, Kingy, she’s for sale. If you’re interested I’m sure she’d even be willing to remove the stick from your ass for a high enough price.”

“…you’re a shitty person, you know that right?”

Kenny’s eyebrows shot up, “Oh-ho, I didn’t know royalty were allowed to use such foul language! Color me surprised.” A fresh flash of pain reminded Kenny that his entire body was something of a hellscape right now and he decided that spending his time picking on the uppity king was not a meaningful use of time, “Bebe’s right though, we only have a bit of time to rest so take advantage of it for now. After she kicks us out we’re going to have to hike a few more miles back where we came.”

“Back?”

“We’ve been going the opposite direction of the border. I _assume_ you would like to be returned to your people in one piece, yes?”

The king nodded, still looking discontent but understanding that if he did want out of Kenny’s grouchy company, he’d have to behave.

At least Kenny hoped he understood this. He was absolutely finished with this entire ordeal. He never wanted to see those tufts of red hair again in his _life_. And Kenny normally liked redheads so that was saying something.

He let unconsciousness take him and decided that even if the dumb king did something ridiculous and got himself killed, he’d done all he could humanly do to prevent it.

\--

“—fevers gone down.”

“Thank you so much for this, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything on my own.”

A fluttery laugh, “It’s no trouble at all. You’ve been such a great help around here I feel like I should be thanking you.”

“I’ve hardly done anything. Let me know if there is anything else I can do.”

A quick goodbye and a door clicking shut.

What the fuck did Kenny just listen to?

“Are you awake?”

Kenny decided against speaking, his throat felt rough and heavy, so instead he lifted a finger in confirmation.

“You’ve been asleep for just over a day. I paid the innkeeper to let us stay while you healed.”

 _Among other things_ , Kenny contemplated as he remembered details from the half-heard conversation. He debated internally how stupid it was of the king to stick around like this, much less flashing his probably foreign currency, but he ultimately decided that he wasn’t in a place to talk.

He ought to be grateful he wasn’t left for dead in a gutter while the king attempted the miles through unfamiliar terrain on his own.

He really ought to be. He couldn’t quite manage it though, considering his injuries and subsequent illness were all direct consequences of the royal idiots own stupidity.

None of this had to happen if the idiot hadn’t gotten himself caught by a bunch of backwards villagers in the middle of nowhere, well across enemy lines. Where the hell were his entourage, his body guards, his subjects? What the fuck was the stupid king of the stupid elves even _doing_ this far into a hostile country that he had only a tentative peace treaty with?

 _Stupid_ and _arrogant_ is an easy explanation that Kenny finds all too easy to accept when the subject of conversation is those of a particularly high birth.

He decided to let it go though. There was no fixing what had been done. The only thing he should focus on is getting the king back _pronto_. If his people thought he was dead due to a elongated absence then saving the idiot would prove entirely pointless.

"Good to know." Kenny rasped in response, opening his eyes to the too bright room. Oh yeah, he was definitely still sick. His burns hurt too. Why did his life suck so consistently? "We leave at nightfall."

The king positioned himself into eyeshot with a stern expression that Kenny decided was stupid, "Are you dumb? You've been unconscious for this long because of the amount of damage your body took! You're barely over your fever and those burns aren't even totally scabbed up. If you leave you're only going to damage your body further."

Kenny tried, he really _really_ tried. He knew holding an even temper would sell his case better. He knew. But seriously... fuck this guy.

"Are you a king or a fucking mom? Do you have any idea the high stakes involved? The fact that you've been missing for over a day is enough that war could _already_ be brewing. We have to get you back to your stupid country _yesterday_ , you lousy excuse for nagging bitchy queen."

The king sighed and dragged his hands through his hair, looking very much like there was something he didn't want to say but feared he might have to. Kenny didn't like that he wasn't rising to the bait either. Most people of royal birth would be a little more uppity about the insults.

"Look, don't worry about that. Just worry about recovering."

" _Like hell_ I won't worry about that. Shouldn't you be more concerned about this?" Kenny sat up despite the pain the action inflicted, "Do you just not even fucking care how many of _your people_ might die in the ensuing conflict? Or were you _trying_ to start a fucking war? Is that why you're here?!"

Finally fire burned in green, "Of fucking course not! I'm here to stop the damn war!"

Kenny narrowed his eyes, "How the fuck does getting yourself _killed_ help _anyone_?"

"I'm not--it's not--" the king groaned and sat on the edge of the bed, "Look, there's just... something I need to do here and I made sure that no one would miss me while I'm doing it."

"Eloquent."

"Why are you trying so hard to make this difficult? If you hate royalty so much, why did you save me?--"

"I'm anti-war jackass."

"--can't you chill the fuck out for five minutes instead of the constant aggression? I'm trying really hard to be patient with you. I understand you stuck your neck out for me and I am grateful for the help, but just--stop being such an asshole."

Kenny had exactly zero intention of letting up on the asshole meter. _But_...

"I'll calm the fuck down when you tell me what you're hiding, Kingy."

"Kyle." the king amended.

Kenny ignored him, "Kingy."

"Listen, I can't tell you. My mission is of the absolute secrecy. If _anyone_ else finds out, I might be too late."

Kenny leveled him with a look, "Sounds like a really important mission for a fucking pampered bitchass king to do all on his lonesome in an unfamiliar place with not a single friend in sight. Oh, if only the jackass had a guide of some kind, someone who could probably get results faster if he wasn't being kept in the dark by a jackass with pointy ears and no brains."

The king threw up his hands in frustration, letting out a long sound of frustration and beginning to pace unhappily. "Where do I even _start_ with you. What part of me even makes you so convinced I'm a helpless 'bitchass king' to begin with?!"

"The part where I literally had to rescue you off of a burning stake knocked out like some sleeping beauty shit but with fire."

Kyle--the king--paused in his pace and turned back to Kenny, paling somewhat, "That's where you got the burns?" his voice was softer.

Kenny arched a brow, "How the fuck else did you think it happened? I just like playing in fire or someshit?"

"N-no, I just..." Kyle sighed and ran his hand through his hair again, "I'm sorry, okay. I owe you my life. You don't like me, you don't owe me anything, but you still saved my life and I'm grateful for that."

"I'm sensing a but."

There are entire novels dedicated to the frustration laced in every inch of the royals expression, " _But_ if I tell you why I'm here it could start the war I'm trying to stop."

Kenny wanted to call bullshit. It didn't seem far that the bastard could just use his own motivation to shut down questions. He also would have liked to point out that _clearly_ all things considered if there was anyone in this whole damn country that would keep a secret that could start a war, it was pretty obvious the lengths Kenny was already willing to go.

Kenny wanted to call bullshit but as dim as he considered the royal pain, the man had probably already done that simple math.

...or at least, he had to have been able to if there was actually any sort of brain hiding in-between those ears.

"Look, my shift is about to start, try to get some more sleep and if your fevers gone, we can leave tomorrow."

"...your shift?"

The king--Kyle--looked almost sheepish and Kenny noted blearily that throughout the entire conversation the guy had not once spoken in a 'kingly' fashion. Was he really the elf king? He almost seemed like a normal guy...

"Yeah, I've been helping out in the bar to pay for our stay." what a dumbass, that was the dumbest thing, Kenny wanted to scream at him, "I actually need to gather some information so this is a pretty ideal situation at the moment."

Kenny decided he was again, too tired for this shit, "Just _please_ don't get yourself pinned to another damn stake?"

Kyle nodded and walked out of the room with that stiff regal walk that all the stupid royals seemed to have drilled into them from a young age.

Definitely still a royal. Maybe the king was just actually decent at acting like a normal human.

He did have to wonder about a literal king working the bar in one of the shadiest pubs he knew. What did he even _do_ that earned his keep? Kenny's eyes widened, was kingy-boy an option for upstairs funtimes?!

No, Kenny decided that was far too unlikely. Maybe he was just a skilled barkeep for some ridiculous reason.

Kenny's head was spinning and he let the thoughts go for now. He'd listen to the royal bitchass _just this once_ and get some rest. It honestly seemed like more effort than it was worth to try and talk Kyle into leaving tonight.

...why was he bothering to take care of Kenny?

\--

"Can't believe Kenny never told me he had such a cute boyfriend."

What.

"I keep telling you, Bebe, it's not like that."

Okay, a bit better.

"Oh, come on, the way you've been looking after him? It's just too sweet. I don't think I've ever seen _anyone_ go this far for Kenny."

Shush, Bebe. Please.

"Really?" puzzlement, "All I'm doing is nursing him to health."

She laughed, "You're working twice as hard as I am downstairs to keep him up here too. You're always fussing over him. You keep his bandages changed regularly and you've not let a single person have a foul word about him."

What the hell had the king been getting up to?

"That's normal though."

Another laugh, this one tinged with bitter, "Not so much around here. Certainly not for Kenny."

"...he's had it pretty rough then?"

There was a thoughtful pause, "He's certainly not had an easy time of it. I shouldn't really say anything, especially if he hasn't told you yet, he hasn't really told me much. I've just pieced bits together from knowing him and rumors."

"There are some pretty nasty rumors about him." the comment sounded both confused and upset at the fact.

"Not all of them unearned I'd say. It is pretty impressive to see you hop to his defense so quickly though. What has you so convinced of his greatness if you guys aren't an item?"

Another pause, "He's... a pretty amazing person? It's hard to say, I haven't known him long and he's certainly rough around the edges--but he's an extraordinarily selfless person."

"See, this is why I think you guys are a thing. You should seriously see the look on your face. You look pretty smitten, I'd say."

Curiosity burned in Kenny's mind to see if Bebe's accusation was accurate or misled. He would rather jump back into that stake fire than confess to listening though.

"It's not like that, it really isn't, I'll admit I thought he was attractive when we met--"

WHAT.

"--but that's where it ends. I'm grateful to him for helping me and I want to return the favor. Besides, he kind of hates me."

Bebe laughed for real this time, "Hate? Kenny? Guy has his flaws, ridiculous flirt, never turns down a dare, bit of a slut, but he's such a friendly person I couldn't imagine him hating anyone. Wait, did you flirt with his sister--"

Damnit, Bebe.

"--because he would probably fucking kill you for that. Straight forward, Kenny is chill literally all the time except when his sister is involved."

"You've known him for a long time?"

No, Bebe, do not answer that question. Bebe, _please_.

"We grew up in the same village. You ever been up the creek and near the southern border? There's a small village called Park."

"...I know the location, more or less."

 _Bebe, you goddamn life ruiner_. Now the royal bastard had all the information he needed to find Kenny and his family. Kenny swore that as soon as he had escorted the goddamn king to his 'war stopping' errand he was going home, packing their shit, and moving his sister literally anywhere else.

Among the list of things Kenny wanted in life, having someone with so much power know all his weaknesses was _very much not on the fucking list_.

"I should get back to work, I have a regular that comes around this time. You should rest a bit, Kyle. You've been working so hard and honestly, I think you deserve a break."

 _Bebe, no, why, do_ not _leave him alone in a room with the stupid royal bastard_. Bebe, you are the worst friend _ever_. Kenny swore a revenge he knew he would never act upon against his childhood friend.

The sound of the door clicking shut signaled that Bebe was entirely oblivious to Kenny's internal spite.

"...do I really look smitten?"

Oh, great, now the king was talking to himself.

Kenny wished that the sweet abyss of sleep would claim him again but he had slept too much. His body felt better, lighter, too light actually. So light that staying in bed and continuing to rest sounded like a form of torture.

But waking up and facing the king sounded worse.

"I literally just met the guy and he's an asshole literally _all_ the time. I can't be smitten. That's ridiculous. Bebe thinks too much."

 _Duh_ , Kenny wanted to interject, _Now that you've come to that genius conclusion can you please stop talking to yourself about it so I don't wake up to anything awkward?_

"...he was kinda really cool though..."

Kenny wanted to scream in frustration. Was the royal pain-in-the-ass literally talking himself into a crush? Kenny couldn't even be flattered, the frustration and impatience from the impending war, Kyle's outright stupidity, and his inability to stop playing possum made any positive emotions towards the king absolutely impossible.

Not to mention his general hatred of royalty. Even if Kyle thus far didn't seem to fit into pretty much any of the stereotypes as of yet.

A cool hand touched his forehead gently, feeling for a temperature.

"Well, at least he'll be happy we can probably leave when he wakes up again." some frustration in the voice, "If the guy knows how to even _do_ happy."

It was strange for Kenny to realize that despite most people in his life equating him to something happy-go-lucky and thoughtless, there was a person that had only ever seen him be negative and angry.

The world was bizarre that way. Kenny decided that getting the fuck out of this awkward situation was far more important than continuing contemplation and began to stir in what he hoped was a realistic 'waking up' way.

The voice started, "Kenny!"

Kenny cracked open an eyeball, the room didn't burn his retinas this time, nice, "Good morning, asshole. Am I allowed to get out of bed yet?"

The king looked nervous and fidgety, probably concerned that Kenny may have overheard exactly what he had in fact overheard. Lucky you, kingy-boy, Kenny wanted no part in the completion of that conversation.

"Y-yeah. Your fevers gone down and your burns are healing nicely. You should eat something before we head out though, I'll--uh-- go downstairs and get something."

And he was gone like a scared rabbit. Kenny snickered. What a loser.

He realized dimly that he did feel a bit hungry but honestly, when one lives as starved a life as his one got used to days upon days without food. The feel of his stomach devouring itself was less of an unpleasant feeling and more of a fact of life.

Still, he wasn't about to turn down free food. Especially when it offered him the privacy he needed to respond to his accidental eaves-dropping.

"What. The actual. Fuck."

\--

Bebe had been giving him nudges and winks his entire way out. He pointedly ignored each one of them to the clear relief of the king.

Kenny swore to whatever deity might be listening internally. His childhood friend thought he was dating or soon to be dating 'kind hardworking Kyle' and the king of a hostile foreign country had a crush on him.

How did his life ever get this stupid?

Also he really had to question the kings tastes. 'So this guy was dragging me through the woods to god-knows-where, covered in burns, and insulting me the entire way... _so_ hot.'

Seriously, was the king some kind of masochist? What a fucking weirdo.

The important part was they were back on the road.

The bad news was that the king still didn't want to go home.

Kenny could seriously throttle the guy.

"Look, I just have to go to this library across the lake. There's a clue there that I need."

" _Across the lake_ , Kingy, is rather close to the Keep. Which, I might remind you, is where the wizard king lives," a royal asshole if Kenny had ever met one, " _And_ where I fucking _told_ the rumor mill you were headed!"

"I didn't decide on that cover story to begin with, you didn't consult me--"

"--because I had wrongly _assumed_ that you weren't crazy enough to actually want to be anywhere _near_ the Keep. You do realize that one of the reasons no one recognizes you here is that very little propaganda reaches this far from the Keep? Why do you think I took us this way? When we get to the surrounding area _everyone's_ going to know exactly what to look for to hunt down the 'evil elf king'!"

"Then I'll find a way to disguise myself! I need to get into that library." Kyle re-positioned himself, for the first time in Kenny's short relationship with him fully embodying the regal, collected, and controlling posture of an individual accustomed to, and capable of, leading others. His tone also changed from the casual whine to that undeniable tenor of leadership, "I am going, Kenny, whether or not you join me. And I will find the information I need."

If Kenny were someone else, he would have been impressed. All this kingly magnificence, so cool, so great, such a great seeming leader! Should just listen to what he says and forget to think independently.

Kenny was _sure_ that this sort of behavior was what earned the guy respect from his subjects.

But Kenny wasn't impressed.

"Or, maybe, _don't_ do the suicide mission and just tell _me_ what you're looking for so we can find it in a jiffy and get you home, Kingy."

Kyle didn't deflate, but he did look somewhat uneasy that he wasn't being blindly obeyed. Please, the guy should expect this by now.

Kenny had known too many royal assholes to fall for that bullshit.

"You know I can't tell you--"

"No, I've heard you repeat you can't tell me. I don't _know_ jackshit. That's kind of the problem."

"--I can have you rewarded--"

"Not interested, please never, I mean _ever_ contact me again after we finish this bullshit."

"--think about your siste--"

Kenny turned a sharp eye that actually stopped Kyle's negotiating, " _What_ do you know about my sister."

It wasn't a question. It was a threat. From the way the king stepped back, he knew it too.

"I just meant, stopping the war would benefit--"

"No. fucking. Shit. Asshole." Kenny ground out in deadly tones, the king might have a few inches on him but he still managed to make them both feel like he was towering over him, "Don't talk about my sister. Ever. I don't know what Bebe told you but that's none of your goddamn business. If I _ever_ hear you mention her again, in any way, shape, or form, I will tie you back up on the fucking stake myself."

Kyle's lips were a tight line, he seemed to understand there was no winning on that front but it was apparent he hadn't given up on the damn library. His posture was defiant and angry, a fire of rebellion alight in his forest stare.

Kenny caved, " _Fine_. We'll go to the fucking library on _two_ conditions."

The king looked somewhat appeased, but cautious, "Those being?"

"You listen to what I say, _everything_ I say while we're there. You don't know what you're getting into and I'm going to need you not to be a whiney royal twit that blows our fucking cover."

Kyle nodded easy enough to the condition. Kenny had his suspicions as to whether he intended to keep that promise though.

"What's the second condition?"

This was the important one, "After this is over, you fucking forget you ever met me. I mean it. If you see me again, we're strangers. You never, under pain of death, go to my village or see my sister. You will stay the fuck away from me and my family. If people ask you how you managed to get whatever it is you're aiming for, you did it alone. I was never here."

Kyle nodded again, this time more thoughtful, "I don't have an issue with the condition, but why?"

"I'll tell you why if you tell me what the fuck we're looking for."

Kyle accepted the non-compromise for what it was and agreed to the conditions.

Kenny felt some relief at that. He still didn't trust the king as far as he could throw him but it was comforting to know that _if_ the idiot was actually a man of his word, Kenny's relationship with him would be short.

\--

"...I know I agreed to listen to you but I really fail to understand how this benefits us."

 _Bitch, bitch, bitch._ This was precisely why Kenny didn't the upper crust. "Are you too good to wear a skirt, Kingy?"

Kyle struggled with the parcel Kenny had provided him with, a simple peasant dress that Kenny had stashed away in a seemingly innocuous part of the of the forest, just outside the nearest town. Kenny adjusted his own wear effortlessly.

"I don't care about the skirt, my concern is that I'm not going to look like a woman just because I'm wearing one."

"No, you'll look like a girl, just a really ugly one."

"Hey!"

"Would you rather I said you would be a beautiful one?"

The king paused, realizing this might not be a fight he wanted to win.

Kenny, meanwhile, adjusted his hair. He liked to think of himself as an expert at this point on how exactly to part and adjust his hair to look more feminine. It helped that he also stored some ribbons in the dress box they'd raided.

"Relax, Kingy. You still need to conceal your stupid ears under the cloak. Just hide a bit of your face as well and people won't look farther at the shape of the body under the skirt."

Kyle eyed Kenny's own preparation, "You seem awfully used to this."

"Oh, please, this is by far not the first time I've done this. Where did you think I got the dress box? I just _happened_ to find it in the middle of a freaking forest?"

"No--I just--I was wondering why."

He answered with a shrug, more biting remarks dying away, truthfully he was growing a bit tired of being constantly angry and Kyle wasn't really offering him enough fuel to keep it up.

That and he was already starting to adopt the more delicate mannerisms he reserved for this particular acting trick.

"It makes it easier to get around. Sometimes being a guy is good, sometimes being anonymous is good, and sometimes being a girl opens doors."

"But why do you need to get around so much?"

He shouldn't have been so indulgent of the kings questions. The more he asked, the more he might actually find the questions that mattered. Kenny shrugged stiffly this time, "Life's a bitch, that's why."

Kyle seemed to catch on. It was taking time but Kyle was starting to understand the times it would seriously not benefit him to pursue Kenny for answers. At least not until he was willing to provide his own. Instead he busied himself with the dress.

"What are you doing, dumbass, the bodice is wrong."

In an instant Kenny had closed the distance between them and was adjusting Kyle's dress with no regard for his personal space. Fussing and cussing but in a slightly higher tone than normal.

"You sound... feminine."

Kenny grinned cockily in response, "Unlike clunky kings without a shred of sensibility, I'm a motherfucking lady."

Kyle didn't comment.

The subject immediately changed to the target at hand, "The library is in the middle of the town, under the church. Normally it's pretty hard to get in there but I have an in with the nuns."

"You've been there before?" Kyle asked.

Kenny didn't look up from his fussing, "You know nuns, kinky as fuck when you get under those robes."

The tone was loose and implied unspoken enjoyment. Kenny hoped the implications would divert any follow up questions.

Kyle didn't look convinced but maybe he was just butt-hurt that he wasn't getting any.

"Okay, and just so we're clear, when we're in town I'm going to be _acting_ friendly with you. That does not imply that I think of you as anything but an obnoxious aristocratic sponge that leaches off the hard work of the average man to survive."

"...that's a mouthful just to say you still hate my guts."

Kenny linked arms, pulling his new girlfriend along with him, and spoke in an adorably sweet tone, "Some hatred requires a lot to express the depth of it."

The king snorted in response, turning away but keeping pace.

"Oh, and keep you're fucking mouth shut while we're in town. Your voice is too deep. I'll just tell people you're a mute."

\--

"Oh, Kenny! It's been too long! How have you been?" Kenny accepted the warm embrace from the nun, giggling in that way girls did.

"I've been great, Kelly! How're the girls?"

Kelly batted her eyelashes shyly, "Oh, you know! The usual problems, the usual solutions. Who is your friend?"

The king waved uncomfortably from his position behind the two chatting girls, Kenny felt a little giddy at how ridiculous he looked in context.

Outside of context he just looked like an unfortunately bulky girl that was a bit shy.

He decided he found both aspects hilarious.

"This is Ky, she's mute but a whole lot of fun," Kenny's eyes shown with mischief. "She _loves_ reading, especially terrible romance. She's _convinced_ prince charming is going to sweep her off her feet if she just waits long enough. It's so _cute_."

Kelly giggled, "That's so sweet! You know, if she loves reading, we could show her down to the library! I'm sure there are a few _interesting_ books snuck in the stacks that she might enjoy."

Kenny pointedly ignored the king's glower, glowing at the suggestion, "That's so _sweet_ of you, Kelly! Why are you such a sweetheart? If you keep this up, _I'm_ the one that's going to be swept off my feet with your goodness."

She swatted his shoulder playfully with twinkling eyes, "Oh, stop, you're making me blush."

Kenny took a special satisfaction in the way Kyle dragged his feet as they walked through the corridors. His chatting with Kelly growing more and more flirtatious with every agitated step.

 _Ha_ , teach him to doubt that Kenny could score with a nun even when dressed as a woman. It was a pointless point to prove but it should ensure that Kyle didn't think further about Kenny's church library infiltration.

Just as they reached the library Kennny turned to his 'mute friend' dramatically, "Oh no! I'm terrible, I completely forgot about Ky's condition!"

Kelly raised a hand to her mouth, "Condition?"

Kenny nodded emphatically, as much for Kelly's benefit as Kyle's, "She has a condition that requires her to eat and drink regularly! No wonder she's been lagging behind us through the halls, poor girl hasn't had anything since morning!" of two days ago, "I'm so sorry to ask this Kelly, but would it be possible for you to fetch her something from the kitchens? I'm really worried she might be pushing herself too hard."

The girl had a hand to her chest in sympathy, "Of course! It's no trouble at all! You two just rest in the library while I go back up, okay? I'm so sorry I didn't notice you weren't feeling well earlier, Ky!"

'Ky' gave what he hoped was a comforting smile but his own shaken surprise at Kenny's explanations shown through and it only sold the story further. Kelly rushing from the room with assurance of assistance.

"...you could have told me your plan." Kyle muttered under a whisper when her footsteps vanished from hearing.

"Shut up, we only have so long to search the library unperturbed so get to work." Kenny swept away into the library. "You're going to have to tell me what you're looking for too."

Kyle shook his head, "Just... pass me anything the involves the Keep, the older, the better."

Kenny pursed his lips but didn't argue. There wasn't time.

He was half starting to wonder if Kyle's plan was to find weaknesses in the structure for an invasion. It would explain why he wouldn't tell, knowing that Kenny was so staunchly anti-war, but he wasn't sure that explanation suited what he'd noted thus far of the others character.

Kenny liked to think he was a pretty good judge of character, even of treacherous asshole royals.

It didn't matter. He'd figure out what Kingy was after when the correct book was selected and if he judged it to be nefarious, he'd deal with it.

Kyle was surprisingly direct within the library, eyeing the shelves with a brief but critical eye before immediately heading for a section deeper inside. Kenny remembered his previous time here. He'd been lost for ages trying to find one stupid old tome.

The king was probably used to fancy libraries with fancy filing systems. Kenny snorted.

Kenny trailed after him, keeping an eye out for books that might fit the description he'd been given. If he was honest, all books looked alike to him. He barely knew how to read and that was only because of an unfortunate series of events that required him to learn.

Kyle picked out three books and sat on the ground, flipping through them with complete concentration. Kenny grabbed a random volume and pretended to do the same while keeping an eye on Kyle's pages. He'd figure the stupid king out soon.

Books have a specific musty smell that always bothered him but the sound of them snapping shut was the worst. He endured Kingy doing this twice before there was the clatter of sounds signifying Kelly's return.

"Kenny?" she called, "Ky? Are you guys in the stacks?"

"We're back here! Ky found a cute book and got engrossed."

A gasp from the man in question dragged Kenny's response from whatever Kelly's response was.

"So it's true..." Kyle's breathless whisper barely registered in Kenny's mind.

Kyle was looking at the book.

 _The_ book.

At _the_ page.

Kenny ripped it away from him, blood boiling, the king looked completely lost at the reaction.

"God fucking damnit, I should have known. Stupid _disgusting_ roya--"

"Kenny?"

Kenny halted mid-hiss at the approaching voice and slapped on the sweetest smile he could before turning.

"Kelly! Thank you so much for bringing Ky's food! I have to run an errand, would you mind keeping an eye on her? Thanks a bunch!"

Kenny didn't wait for a response, didn't care that he was potentially burning a long-built bridge with Kelly, didn't spare the _stupid fucking royal bastard_ a parting glance, he was out of the library with the book at light speed.

He _knew_ he should have destroyed the damn thing when he'd found it! He'd been so stupidly worried about burning that very same bridge with Kelly at the time that he'd thought, what harm could it do just leaving the tome here to rot? No one in there right mind would _ever_ think to look into it.

He'd been fucking wrong.

He'd only barely made it out of town when a strong grip halted her mid run, the momentum of the stop nearly sending her and the other toppling over.

"What the _fuck_ , Kenny?"

Oh, the fucking stupid king. Kenny had _so_ hoped that Kelly could have kept him preoccupied for long enough for him to get ditched.

There was the benefit of being able to sock him in his stupid face.

Kyle reeled back at the force of the blow, hand almost loosening before it tightened on Kenny's wrist.

"Why are yo--"

"You fucking _asshole_!" Kenny wanted to punch him again, and again, and again, "I fucking _knew_ you were just like the rest of those horrible bastards. Why, oh god _why_ , did I decide to help you? I should kill you! I'll figure out the political bullshit it would cause later. Or fuckit, just get the hell out of this country before shit hits the fan. _Fuck you_. I can't believe I _helped_ you--!"

Kenny raised his fist again and Kyle put some space between them, "Calm down, Kenny. I don't know what you think bu--"

" _I think_ ," Kenny snarled, "You're trying to find the lost royal family, you treacherous backstabbing bastard."

The king blinked, completely puzzled, "I don't see why that warrants this response. My goals are what I always claimed they were, stopping the war and bringing actually _lasting_ peace between our countries. I thought that's what you wanted too?"

His upper lip curled back with the force of his voice, "Oh, I've heard _that_ one before. Fucking bullshit, all of it. You, and every other royal hoity-toity bastard that uses the _lives_ of the innocent for their own personal gain."

"I've never--"

"Please, don't even _pretend_. That's all you scum-sucking, bottom-feeding bastards amount to."

The king finally stopped trying to placate. Hands at his sides as he gave Kenny a long and thoughtful stare that Kenny _hated_.

"...you know something about this."

Kenny ground his teeth.

"I know that the person you're looking for is dead. His royal fuckass up in the Keep found the 'Princess McCormick' and had her killed. He put a huge fucking show of it, I'm surprised you were unaware of it. It was his most recent pretense for war. Show the people a _beautiful_ princess that would save them from the hard times, promise the world to the people, and then, just when all looked it's brightest, when _real change_ looked like it would occur, he had her assassinated. Framed you assholes for it."

Kyle looked pale as a sheet.

"She's... dead? There's... there's no one else?"

Kenny let the ferocity of his blue speak for themselves, "If there was--the fatass would get turned out on his royal behind and well, he can't have that. So no, there are no survivors. Once he found out there was a bloodline that could usurp him, he killed them all."

There was a despair in Kyle's eyes, like hope had been extinguished, Kenny didn't feel even a smidgen bad for him. Finally the elves eyebrows knit together and he looked up at Kenny thoughtfully.

"You know a lot about this..."

Kenny shrugged, "It's common fucking knowledge. If you asked me sooner I could have saved you a trip."

Kyle shook his head, "No, it isn't. I did a lot of poking around while I was working at the pub. No one was even half as knowledgeable. Let alone even being aware that the lost royal family actually existed."

Fuck, Kenny did not like the deductive tone his voice was taking.

"They live away from everything out there." Kenny explained easily, "Politics are much less important than their next meal, even if they hear something it usually doesn't stick in their minds."

"...you never stay in one place long, you hate royalty more than anyone I've ever met--"

"--like your royal ass meets actual people--"

"--you have a sister you don't live with, you dress like a woman on a semi-regular basis, you _know_ about the entire story regarding the princess when most people aren't even sure she existed," his eyes widened slightly, "you wanted me to forget you..."

"I swear to god, Kyle. If you fucking dare finish your piece of shit thought, I will end you right here and now."

Kyle was staring at him with a dawning look and Kenny had never hated anyone more in his entire life.

"...Bebe said there was time when you disappeared for a few years... after you came back you started living like.."

 _This_ was on his tongue but he restrained himself. Kenny tried and failed to think of a way to derail the man. He was usually so good at spinning truths. He shouldn't have freaked out when he saw the book. He could have led Kyle the wrong way when he figured out that mans goal.

He could have manipulated the situation so that this never happened. Fuck. He hated himself as much as he hated Kyle.

"You're..."

"Don't _you fucking dare say it_!"

Kyle shut his mouth but his eyes said that he _knew_.

He fucking _knew_.

And he knew about Karen.

Kenny's heart thud in his chest.

Curse Bebe. Curse himself. Curse _everything_.

Now there was another _royal_ that wanted to turn his blood into a political pawn.

 _And this time it knew about Karen_.

\--

_The horse, entourage, and carriages that arrived in the small and stinky village didn't actually inspire much of a reaction._

_When the bottom of the bottom receives a visit from the powerful, it could only mean a choice few things and truthfully, most of them were terrible._

_But these people were used to being trodden on. They knew their place and they'd accepted their deaths._

_Kenny, as he looked up at the approaching troops, was only grateful that Karen and Kevin were in the forest. He hoped they'd stay there until the storm passed. Sure, they'd find his body but so long as they lived, he was okay with dying._

_True to expectation, the troops began slaughtering many of the adults in the village._

_Some fought back, some tried to run, his own parents just took their final swigs of poison and accepted their demise._

_A large man with a smile finally made his way towards Kenny. He immediately hated the smile. It was greasy and wrong. A lie on a face._

_But Kenny wanted his death to be relatively painless so he kept his manners._

_"McCormick?" the man asked, a devious glint in his eyes._

_Kenny felt his heart sink. Knowing his name was a step worse than bad. That meant that Kevin and Karen were almost certainly in danger as well._

_"Yes?" Kenny answered politely, biting back the curses on his tongue. He could play this. He_ had _to play this._

_The man squinted around with a disgusting authority to his posture that Kenny instantly hated._

_"Do you have any family?"_

_Kenny gestured to the corpses of his parents limply. Playing up shock to sell it as his only family._

_"Anyone else?"_

_Kenny decided this was a good time to let out a sob, "No.. I'm--" choke, "Completely alone now."_

_The greasy smile grew and the man gestured grandly, "You're in luck then. I'll be your family."_

_His blood ran cold with a shudder that shocked his body, greasy, overweight, lying, and evil. Kenny allowed the wave of sheer hatred wash over him as he attempted to sob gratefully._

_He'd never loathed anyone more in his life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry about this XD this is what happens when I get bored at work >x>;;;; and then keep writing long after work for some dumbass reason. I'm about halfway through the next (final) chapter but it's like 2am and I want sleep so I figured I'd post pt 1 real quick


	2. Chapter 2

"Kenny--Kenny calm down, I'm not--" Kyle took a large step backgrounds in anticipation of a bad reaction, "--I'm not going to talk to your sister."

" _You better as fuck not_!" Kenny screeched, closing the distance with clear ill-intentions.

Inches. Just a few inches to close the gap completely and smash the bastards head in. Inches and he could put an end to this entire conundrum. Sure, war would break out, but his family wouldn't be in the middle of it. No one had to know they were involved. No one had to know what even happened to the king.

If no one found a body and no one claimed credit, could it even be used as a pretense for war? Kenny remembered the large show the fatass had made of his murder. The crowds, the screams, the politics, the stupidity.

Sure, the wizard king always aimed for maximum impact, but perhaps a lower impact could be possible.

He wouldn't have to sneak away, barely alive, and find his way home. Hoping, desperate, and screaming to make it there before there were casualties on either side. Before Kevin died protecting Karen.

He'd failed then. He could succeed here.

He could end it all here.

Inches from stopping it all from repeating itself.

He could kill the king and no one would know where to find Karen or even that finding her was a valuable tool.

Kyle hadn't moved an inch after being rushed.

Inches apart and he stood. Nonaggressive but no longer edging back.

An even stare. A politically neutral expression. Barely a breath between the two of them.

The king might be stupid but he had to know Kenny's considerations. If logic didn't provide him with the answers, the promise in Kenny's eyes were sure to get the point across.

He'd never murdered anyone.

He would though. Without hesitation. Karen was all he had left now.

She didn't deserve to get used as a political tool for some disgusting royal bastard to abuse and inevitably dispose of.

Kyle met his gaze evenly.

He wanted to be the hero Karen thought he was. Not a murderer that would instigate a war.

The sound of his speaking barely escaped his clenched jaw, "Explain yourself. Now. _If_ you're not after Karen," it was clear how little he believed that option, "then why the fuck were you looking for that information?"

"I told you, I'm trying to stop the war."

" _Bullshit_."

Kyle met his glare with equal intensity, "What's the point of having me explain myself if you won't believe a word I say?"

"Because, _your highness_ ," Kenny hissed the word out like an insult, "You haven't _proven_ jackshit. What the actual fuck could you want with that information that _isn't_ \--"

"--Kenny--"

"--a fucking--"

"-- _Kenny look out!_ "

The short distance between them was closed entirely with a blow that knocked Kenny from his feet. Belatedly he saw the weapon that was still make it's arc from above their position. The assault wasn't over though and Kenny instinctively wrapped his arms around the king to roll them both out of the  other sword that was angled downwards.

 _Shit_ this was not the place for this kind of stupid argument.

He noted that Kyle's hood had in fact fallen to the side, probably in the initial rush to catch up.

Even if people didn't recognize him as the damn king, someone had to have noticed some random elf chick running through the streets. And they couldn't play the women card, neither of them had sounded remotely feminine in the argument that soldiers had to have heard at least a little of.

He dragged them both to their feet when they hit a tree, something to put their backs to, Kyle was crouched and assessing the situation.

Five men. Assuming there weren't more behind them. All armed. All soldiers from the Keep.

 _Fuck_.

"What's are some elf perverts doing in _our_ town?"

The speaker sounded a bit sloshed. They'd probably been retrieved from the local pub when a concerned citizen saw Kyle. They probably wouldn't believe Kenny wasn't an elf either, despite evidence to the contrary.

Shit.

Kyle spoke before Kenny had time to think, "We're so sorry, sir." his voice was much softer than normal, "It was a bet. We didn't mean to cause trouble, sir. I, we, were told it was legal to travel here. It was an honest mistake, we're so sorry for causing trouble."

It was. The most recent treaty stated that elves could travel anywhere within the kingdom so long as they did not enter the Keep. No one actually did. It was unspoken that most people still followed the 'kill on sight' policy.

It wouldn't do them much good to quote the law but it did cause the men to hesitate, just a bit. Remind them of their duties to the law. Smart.

Kenny put on his best small voice that he knew for a fact appealed to these kinds of men. They joined the army because they craved power over others.

"It's true sir. It was supposed to be a harmless prank, see how long we could go around as women before someone figured it out, it was all for a laugh. We don't mean any harm."

They couldn't get taken to the Keep. Kyle would get recognized. _Kenny_ would get recognized. If they were brought to Keep they were both dead. If they didn't talk the soldiers out of murder, they were both dead.

One soldier, either the leader or the most confident, lowered his sword to approach, a gleam in his eyes, "And you think we'll let you go just because you didn't 'mean any harm'?" the sound that followed was more bark than laugh, "Your very existence is harmful, if you ask me."

Some men were growing in confidence, racist sentiments were more important than the law after all.

"I think we should give you a slow end. Set an example. Show that we don't tolerate your kind around here."

Five of them. If there were more behind them Kenny would have heard them by now.

Two were definitely on the gone side of drunk. One was a cocky sadist. Two were unsure but willing to follow the majority.

Kenny couldn't take all of them alone. He had no idea what the kings combat abilities were. It was always a toss up whether or not royals were trained.

Diffusing the situation completely was probably not on the table.

"You know what I think?" the cocky sadist was testing the weight of his blade in that thoughtless way that meant he was just dying to give it a try, "I think you're those elves I heard about. The ones that were supposedly headed our way after attacking some innocent villagers. Thought you could escape notice in disguise."

Irony could really hurt sometimes. Kenny pulled the king closer to him to look less aggressive.

"I think we should bring you up to the Keep and see what the Wizard King does with you." there was reverence in the way he said the title. The only benefit being that apparently this guy got his jollies out of describing what would be done to them. It gave them time.

Kenny wanted to barf.

Kyle was poking his side subtly. Two fingers, trace down. One finger, trace up. One finger, trace forward.

He caught the calculating green eyes with his own blue.

Two fingers, trace down. Five fingers, exploding outwards.

Nonverbal communication is always a toss up in life. There are frequent times when the mark is missed entirely; misunderstandings in these situations could be deadly.

Kyle repeated the same pattern.

It was dangerous to act without knowing for _sure_ what Kyle meant.

Still, he lowered his chin just barely in confirmation. Kyle accepted the answer.

Three fingers, poked. Two fingers, poked. One finger, poked.

Kyle and Kenny both ducked at the same time. Kyle popped back up almost instantaneously but in a motion that closed the distance between him and the sadistic soldier. In that same moment, Kenny dove forward at the two closest to him, knocking them back with his weight and momentum for just long enough to wrestle a sword from one and put it in the thigh of the other.

An _oof_ and wet sound behind him told him that Kyle had been equally successful. There was still a previously undecided man and a drunkard to be dealt with but they were only just catching onto the situation.

" _Now_." Kyle's voice was commanding but for once, Kenny didn't resent it. He put distance between himself and his targeted soldiers and ducked to the ground.

Not even a second too soon. An explosion of light knocked all five of the soldiers to the ground in a stupefied state.

A hand was on his seconds later and Kyle was dragging him to his feet. As soon as his feet were under him he took charge of the direction though. He knew where they needed to go to get out of sight. The trouble was it wouldn't be long before more soldiers. They had until those soldiers were found or limped back into town. Whichever came first.

They would need a plan. An actual plan. But first they needed to hide.

Kyle didn't slow him down any as they ran through the bramble of roots and trees and he remembered belatedly that elves lived in the woods, didn't they? He was still impressed with the mans stamina though, they were running at least a mile before Kenny saw the familiar trees and pond.

Through some bushes, inside a small waterfall, through a cave, and finally behind some carefully replanted bushes.

It was dark, just like Kenny remembered.

"Where are we...?"

"A place they won't find us, at least for awhile."

It was small. Just a closet sized nook hidden in the back of an earthy cave. The plants he'd replanted made it look like there was nothing but wall. Even if someone found the waterfall and the cave, they'd still have trouble locating the nook.

Kyle was looking around with some fascination, "How did you know this was here?"

The exhaustion had its way with Kenny and he collapsed against a wall, pulling his knees up to his chest, "The last time I had to escape from soldiers from the Keep."

"Oh..." the king made to sit next to him, thought better of it, and sat a foot away.

It was strange but for once it was Kenny that couldn't handle the silence, "You're quite the tactician. How did you know I would understand?"

"I didn't. I hoped you would, but I figured we were dead either way at that point."

He could only nod numbly to that, "Was that magic you did back there?"

The king nodded, "I'm not particularly skilled and I needed some space and time to get that together. If I didn't screw it up they _should_ be unconscious for a few hours… either that or suffer a nasty headache."

Kenny breathed out nervously, "I hope so. I think I need a break."

There was a pregnant pause when they both recalled that prior to almost dying, they weren’t really on the best of terms.

Kyle was the first to break the silence.

"Listen, Kenny, I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I was after. I knew if I was right there was a high chance that the remaining royalty," Kenny frowned at the word and Kyle amended, "The descendants, they would be in danger. I couldn't risk anyone knowing and harming them."

"And how exactly does this fit into your grand scheme of stopping the war?" Kenny wished he sounded bitterer but exhaustion had taken its toll. The adrenaline from earlier was draining away along with the rage he'd felt.

"I want--wanted--to find a legal means of removing the wizard king." Kyle sighed, sounding just as tired as Kenny felt, "Despite the remaining tensions between our countries," the soldiers, the villagers, the racism, "No one really wants war anymore. No one except that miserable bastard."

Frustration bled into his words now, "Every time I reach for peace, make new amendments to treaties, accept his heinous war crimes in the name of an _end_ , he just finds new justifications. I--I didn't know about the Princess McCormick but I had heard we were blamed for a high profile assassination. It alienated some of our allies. I knew we weren't responsible but we had to defend ourselves nonetheless."

Kenny sighed, there was more than defense that happened the last battle that had broken out but he was too tired to point that out.

"I just... I thought if there was a new leader, someone less bloodthirsty and _evil_ , maybe there could actually be a chance."

Kenny didn't disagree with the sentiment but he still wanted no part in it.

"Kenny... I was sure earlier but I'm... less sure now, I may have jumped to conclusions. What is your connection to this?"

He hid his head between his knees. He didn't want to talk about this.

"Kenny, please. Listen-- I'll... I'll keep my end of the bargain, no matter what you say. You wanted me to forget about you in exchange for your help, right? Done. You and your sister. I’ll… find another way if I have to. I just, I have to _know_."

His heart knew he couldn’t trust these words. No matter how sincere Kyle sounded. No matter how kind the royal bastard had been throughout this crazy endeavor. No matter how much he felt an inclination of trust grow. His heart knew.

Nonetheless it leaked out.

His voice was hoarse when it finally came out.

"When I was ten, they came to my village. Killed my parents, killed Bebe's parents, killed a lot of people. They wanted minimal witnesses. They wanted only one survivor. I told them I was an only child. Karen and my brother weren't there."

Kyle had an intake of breath.

"He didn't want a prince, he thought girls were more sympathetic, so it was agreed that I would be a girl. I didn't mind that part. That part was almost fun."

The more he spoke the longer he stared at the earth between his knees. There was a small sprout he could focus on. He decided to give it all his attention.

"I was paraded around. Some kind of symbol. Shown off like a symbol of hope and peace to every two-faced royal upper-crust country within spitting distance. I knew, I knew from the first time I saw him, that he wasn't a good person but... after awhile I started to wonder if all the things he was saying, about bettering the kingdom, about peace and prosperity that would be brought on by the miraculous long lost princess weren't just fiction."

He named the sprout Kim.

"I started to believe it, just a little. Like a moron. I liked it, somewhat, being the upper crust for once. Meeting foreign diplomats. Being the hope for a ‘better future’."

He couldn't keep the nausea out of his voice. He mentally apologized to Kim if he did actually throw up.

"Then I found out what he was planning. Not in time to stop it. Not in time to get out unscathed. But enough time to fake my death and get out."

He laughed hollowly.

"Bebe told you, right? That our village is right up on the border?"

Kyle didn't make a sound, Kim was equally somber. Kim was a good bro, Kenny liked him.

"I thought I could make it in time. I thought--but my injuries... I was stuck here for days, too many days. Karen... Karen survived, Kevin made sure of it. He—he made sure of it."

He didn't have to say anymore. He wouldn't. Kim was a bro. He'd understand that saying it out loud was asking too much.

"I--I needed to know if it was all lies. From beginning to end. How much of a fool had I been to play along for even an instant. That's why I--that's when I met Kelly." Kenny's voice was wet, "I couldn't stay with Karen, not for long, if... if it ever got out that I'm alive or Karen's relation to me..."

There was a hand on his shoulder. It momentarily startled him. He'd been talking to Kim right? Sprouts don't have hands...

He'd never said any of this out loud.

He felt a bitter resentment that he'd said any of it.

"I'm sorry, Kenny."

Some familiar anger flared but there was no energy behind it, "Sorry doesn't protect my sister, _Kyle_."

It was the first time he'd used the king’s name.

It wasn't a pleasant tone. It sounded as insulting, if not moreso, than the actual insults he'd used previously.

Still, Kyle's hand didn't change its comforting weight. Kenny hated that he found it comforting. He'd always been a tactile person and if he was honest, it was a bit of a weakness of his.

They sat there in silence for a long time. Kenny mentally asked Kim what to make of the situation.

The enemy king who was full of surprises. Smarter than average, good at adapting, a passable actor, and foolishly kind. The one that had ordered forth the troops that killed his brother.

Himself, 'royal blooded' and the 'true heir to the throne', a man without a home or any allegiances outside of his decisions to protect those he cares about. Both a prince and a pauper.

They weren't friends. They weren't even on good terms.

They probably would have been if the wizard king hadn't been full of shit. He could have ascended to the throne and greeted the king of the elves with an open mind.

They probably would have been fast friends. Kenny had a weakness for red heads and people that were quick on their feet.

It was almost a nice thought. It wasn't though. All it meant was the cruelty of the higher born had taken yet another nice thing from him.

It meant that it would be harder to hate Kyle. It was already hard to hate Kyle.

" _Shit_."

Kyle's sudden expletive brought him out of his imagined conversation with Kim the Sprout.

He didn't look up though, "What is it?"

"We left the fucking book."

Kenny felt the blood drain from his face. He reasoned, unsuccessfully, that with Princess McCormick's death most people wouldn't pay much mind to the contents of the book.

Except with it being what an _elf_ was attempting to steal from the church library... and that soldier that revered the wizard... they were sure to submit all the evidence to the wizard.

And if they were lucky, very, very, lucky, the bastard would see through Kyle's plans completely and feel arrogant pride rise that he had had already _taken care_ of the royal family.

But Kenny knew the man.

It would only take the tiniest bit of doubt, one shred of suspicion, and he would start questioning things like 'was there _really_ only one McCormick child?' or 'was there anyone in the bloodline that I missed?'

Then all he had to do was try to find Kenny the same way he had the first time. Use a ridiculous ritual to find the 'one true heir' to the throne.

If he was lucky it would lead the wizard straight back to Kenny, but it was a 50/50 chance. There were only two McCormick's left and if the spell pointed to Karen instead...

"We have to get to Park."

He was just a little grateful that there was no comment on his shaking voice.

"Kenny," Kyle's voice wasn't commanding, just calm. Kenny realized the hand was still on his shoulder, "Would you be willing to consider an alternative?"

Kenny almost saw red, whirling to face an enemy, he froze at what he saw.

The eyes were damp, a pained expression colored with regret and critical thought. He might hate those eyes.

There was sympathy there that he wasn't ready to accept.

"I have an idea," Kyle expanded, looking away with some discomfort, "I--I don't think you'll like it."

Kenny thought about the distance between here and Park. The snail pace they'd have to move at to avoid detection, the carriages easily at the wizard’s disposal, and the quick witted way Kyle had been able to tap instructions in a seemingly hopeless situation.

"...is Karen's safety guaranteed?"

He could listen at least and then decide.

Kyle nodded firmly to that, "Yes."

"Explain."

He did.

Kyle was right, he didn't like the plan. About the only part that did appeal to him was the part that guaranteed Karen's survival and even that required a lot of trust in the king.

He would have to trust royalty again. This time with his sister’s life on the line. The mere thought made him want to retch all over poor Kim.

Did he have a choice?

He didn't. Not really. He'd already experienced once what it was like to not make it back in time. He couldn't do it again.

"Okay." he said finally, eyes firmly trained on the sprout, "We'll try your plan. If—if anything happens to Karen, I'm killing you."

There was a promise in his voice. Kyle gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I know."

"And we're going to make some amendments." Kenny felt his fingers dig into own flesh, grim with determination, "I know just the way to increase our chances of success."

\--

“Why do literally _all_ of your plans involve cross-dressing?” Kyle was fiddling with his headpiece and Kenny wondered if the unfamiliar pressure on his ears was uncomfortable.

“Because it would be a sin to deny the world the swish of my hips in a skirt. Why do all of _your_ plans involve death defying locations?”

Their guide made no comment on their continued arguments, only leading them further through the underground passage way grouchily.

If there was a benefit to this situation, it was definitely that Kenny made a smoking-hot nun.

Kyle wouldn’t be such a bad looking nun himself if he would stop fidgeting. Speaking of, the king closed the distance between them and lowered his voice to barely a sound, “Is that guy really a priest?”

Kenny smirked, not bothering to lower his voice at all, “It doesn’t suit him, that's for sure. He says it's the best profession to do what he truly desires in life.”

The man in front of them didn’t seem to care in the least that they were talking about him, in fact he showed no response at all to the comments.

Kyles eyebrows furrowed, “And what’s that?”

That finally got a response from the grumpy guide, “To tell god every day zat he iz a fucking cunt.”

“Oh...” Kyle couldn’t seem to think of a follow-up question and Kenny enjoyed that smuggler/priest puzzled him so much.

It made him feel less icky about going along with Kyle’s plan.

Stage one had been the easiest and hardest part. Easy because all it required was for Kyle to cast a simple spell but incredibly heavy on Kenny emotionally. The level of trust to allow it to occur was only mitigated with the knowledge that if Kyle crossed him, he could kill the elf in seconds.

It wasn't really enough though. He needed to get one up on the king in response. Petty short-term victories were always easier to digest than promises of death.

Besides, if they were going to get inside the Keep, there was no one better than the Mole. Win-win.

The Mole stopped ten feet ahead of them and held out a hand for them to pause as well, “We are here. Go up that staircase and you will be in ze basement of a storehouse on ze East side.” He glared at them both, “If anyzing goes wrong you will not mention me. I cannot get captured, never again. God, the cock sucking bastard he is, will stop at nozing to screw me over but if you join him in that ambition I will dedicate my life to destroying you.”

Standard Mole disclaimer then. Kenny nodded easily. Kyle nodded with some disturbance in his eyes. Perhaps the knowledge that the man dedicated himself to priesthood with the sole purpose of insulting his perceived nemesis brought some reality to the lengths with which Christophe would go to.

He left them there and Kenny tried to remember what the hell was on the East side. Were they likely to run into anyone? And if so, who?

Kyle’s mind was elsewhere, “Is he the one that helped you escape last time?”

Kenny scoffed, “The Mole? God no, I only ran into him when I had to start living under the radar. And even then it was a coincidence. Listen, so the nun outfits will get us through the city without questions but getting inside the castle is going to require another costume change.”

Kyle groaned, “More skirts?”

“We either go in as maids or guards and maids have an all access pass due to dusting. So yeah, more skirts.”

 “I think you just like skirts.”

Kenny only grinned in response.

The basement smelled musty and vaguely of alcohol. Kenny hadn’t been down here before. He’d kinda been hoping it was one that he was familiar with sneaking around in, it would certainly make this mission impossible bullshit seem less terrifying.

Kyle was so close behind him he could hear the guys damn breathing. It was good that he’d taken the ‘keep close’ instructions to heart but really, Kenny was finding it an unnecessary distraction.

There were no sounds from above and Kenny assumed it was probably safe for them to make their way upstairs.

He didn’t like assuming. He liked knowing.

There was a gentle pressure on his arm of a comforting hand. Kenny could swear that the king had to have noticed his weakenss to touch.

“We’ll be alright. Between skirts and being death defiant, I’m pretty sure we can take on anyone.”

It was a joke. A weak and badly worded joke. From the damn king.

Kenny felt some of his tension ease away as he found laughter, “Don’t try to be funny, it doesn’t suit you.”

Kyle huffed,, “Excuse you, I’m hilarious.”

“Sure.”

It was what he needed to have courage to enter the Keep for the first time in so long.

He hated the part of him that was starting to open up, just a bit. It was how it started. First little things whittle away at your defenses and then you find yourself fucking caught in some royal bullshit plan.

He promised himself he’d come out on top this time though. He just needed to get through this mission and then never see Kingy ever again.

It was for Karen. He could get through anything for Karen.

The weather outside was so blissfully warm compared to the dank tunnels below the city, it was such a welcome change to feel the touch of the sun on his skin that it dispelled unpleasant thoughts.

“Oh my god, fresh air.”

Kenny laughed at the king again, “I couldn’t have said it better myself. Now, remember, seen-not-heard is your motto from here on. If you need to communicate use your weird finger-poking thing.”

Kyle smiled with a raised middle and Kenny laughed sweetly, “Is that an invitation?”

Oh, _how_ he enjoyed getting Kyle to turn red. It was a nice change of pace from the strained patience that was normally there.

They were a short walk from the central marketplace and Kenny breathed a bit in relief at finding familiar scenery.  All they had to do was kill some time looking around until Kenny managed to knick some suitable clothes to sneak them in.

Should be easy enough, no one paid too much attention to nuns around here. Kenny felt a hesitant confidence build within him and pushed it down methodically.

A tug on his sleeve interrupted his internal struggles, Kyle was gesturing towards a particular stall somewhat impatiently.

He painted on a smile, “What is it, Ky? You want to go over there? I don’t know if jewelry really suits you though, are you sure?”

Kyle’s eyes rose heavenward in what had to be prayer before descending to narrow at Kenny. He tugged just a bit more intently and Kenny realized he might be being pulled _away_ from something.

Without hesitation he smiled brighter and trotted the direction Kyle was pulling, “On the other hand, that silver locket is just adorable.”

Some tension left Kyle’s shoulders and he made a point of directing their heads down to look at the merchandise that neither of them had an interest in. Safe in the knowledge that the merchant wasn’t paying them any mind, a gaggle of girl already ready for a purchase holding his attention, Kenny whispered in a low and still girlish tone.

“Who?”

Kyle lifted a mirror on display and angled it subtlety.

Behind them by a decent distance were the guards they’d made quick work of last time. What freaking luck. Kenny mentally thanked Kyle’s noticing them. Before the redirection they were on a collision course.

“That mirror is so cute.” Kenny cooed, “I wonder if it’s from the castle?”

 _To_ or _From_ , which way were they headed?

Kyle nodded.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wished he’d had a quick-witted partner in crime for some of his earlier adventures.

Kenny put down the mirror with a smile, “Well, we have so little time in town before we have to return to the church. I would like to meet an old friend before we go. We can come back for the mirror if you still want it, okay Ky?”

The king nodded, following Kenny as he maneuvered them a distance around the milling soldiers and through a different path then he’d intended to take initially.

He knew there was a high possibility that the book would already be inside the castle by the time they got to the Keep but it still made him want to accelerate their plans. He weaved through back alleys and between houses until he was close enough to the servant entrance to see it.

Kyle tugged his wrist and whispered, “What happened to getting our disguises at the market?”

“No telling when those creeps were leaving,” Kenny replied, “And I have one more idea to get us in.”

There was hesitance in Kyle’s face but also a strange sort of trust. Kenny wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

For now, he’d use it to get to the end.

Satisfied that the king would follow through with it, he made it to the entrance still fully dressed as a nun. He took a deep breath, this wasn’t his first idea, and knocked. As usual there were no guards in sight, the lord of the castle was all about strategically placing a fuckton of guards in main entrances and around his person and almost none in other places.

Something to do with servants dying was enough of an alert system.

A moment later a small girl creaked the door open to glare at him suspiciously. He smiled warmly in return, knowing that his appearance would work in his benefit, “Is Tammy here?”

The girl’s eyebrows shot up but she nodded cautiously and retreated back inside, slamming the door behind her.

Kyle was looking at him, words of confusion not quite on his lips.

A moment later the door opened for an older girl with the same amount of caution. She saw Kenny and the world froze for a moment.

Kenny recognized a few of the emotions running through her face. Finally the door opened completely so that she could run up and wrap her arms around him.

“ _Ken_!” there were a lot of emotions packed into the word, Kenny wondered if this would go better then expected, but before he could even respond she had pulled away to glare intensely at him, “ _Ken_.”

There was still emotion but certainly less positive. A moment later his cheek was throbbing and the door was slammed behind Tammy.

Kyle didn’t restrain himself, “Should we be worried?”

While Kenny mentally weighed that question the door was opened again, Tammy was still glaring daggers at him but she also tossed a bundle of cloth at him, “Come in before you’re seen and change into that. Who’s this? Did you kidnap some poor nun?”

They were ushered inside and the same small girl from earlier was watching them carefully from behind some boxes, “She new?” Kenny asked.

Tammy’s lip was a thin line, “ _That’s_ the first thing you ask me? _Really_? About some new maid? Not ‘oh hey Tammy, how’ve you been, how’s life been treating you’?”

Kenny’s smile strained a little with guilt, he knew he was putting her in a bad position, “Hey, Tammy.  I’m really sorry to drop in like this. I really appreciate your help,” he raised the cloth in his hand thankfully.

Tammy sighed, “Same old, same old, you never change. Even death has you sneaking around endlessly. Care to tell me _why_ you’re here sneaking into the castle we tried so hard to get you out of last time?”

“What if I told you I was here to steal a book?”

“I would slap you, kick you out, and scream at you for being a moron.”

“Then I won’t tell you.”

“Umm…” Kenny and Tammy turned their attention to the long ignored king, who apparently had forgotten about the no-talking rule, “Who’s this?”

Kenny grinned, “My girlfriend!”

“Ex.” Tammy supplied with a certain amount of venom, before turning to the still spying girl, “Tricia, do me a favor and cover for me for awhile. I’ll explain later but for now I’ve gotta deal with this moron.”

“Aww, I missed your pet-names.”

“Nevermind, Tricia, call the guards.”

“Kidding! Kidding! God, Tammy, where is your chill?”

“Died with you.” She bit back before turning around pointedly to allow them privacy, “Hurry up and change. You guys look crazy suspicious as nuns in here.”

Kenny started changing easy enough but Kyle wasn’t as sure, “Can we trust, um, Tricia?”

Kenny gave him two heavy pats, “If Tammy trusts her, that’s good enough for me.”

“I swear to _god_ Kenny, you will be the end of me.” Tammy grumbled, “Who is your friend, anyway?”

“Tired of skirts…” Kyle replied grumpily. Tammy laughed and Kenny missed the sound.

“Kenny dragging you around, huh?”

Kenny tried to sound offended, but he was still too light-hearted over seeing his friend again. He never thought he’d ever be able to see Tammy again, “I’ll have you know he’s the one dragging me around! I—oh, Kyle, your bodice is mussed up again, you have to get used to this, let me just—I only provide him with the means to get it done.”

“I’ve got it.” Kyle’s voice was a bit more peevish than usual and Kenny wondered if he was displeased at the last minute change of plans. The basis was still the same; dress up as maids, steal book. It was just that they were including Tammy now.

Kenny considered this, the fewer people that knew the better so it made some sense that Kyle would have some misgivings about this change of plans. He let it go and turned his attention back to Tammy who had turned around and was looking at him with wide eyes.

Oh, right, they hadn’t re-covered Kyle’s ears.

“Ken,” Tammy’s voice was low and concerned, “Am I right in assuming your companion is _who I think he is_?”

Elfish heritage, red hair, the name Kyle had been dropped, yeah, she was probably on the right train of thought. Kenny, at a loss for a short explanation, shrugged weakly.

“Maybe?”

Kyle looked panicked.

If a sigh truly released a bit of happiness, the sound that escaped Tammy’s lips took at least two years of happiness off of her own life.

“Just don’t get yourself killed again, okay? I am _not_ helping drag your half-dead ass out of here twice. That goes for pointy-ears too.” She untied her own bonnet and tossed it at them, Kyle caught with ease.

“Understood! Thank you, Tammy.” He let some of the affection he truly felt leak into his voice for the last bit. Tammy was one of the few nice things from the castle he had no regrets about.

They’d never been right for each other but they’d been what the other needed at the time. And she was a friend that he had literally trusted with his life.

She left them in a huff, face just a bit red.

Kyle fiddled with the bonnet, “She’s nice.”

Kenny nodded, still miles away in pleasant memories, “In more ways than one.”

“Oh.” Kenny finally snapped from his daze, something was bothering the silly king and they really shouldn’t be dilly-dallying in a pantry to begin with.

“You worried she’ll out us?” Kenny took the bonnet from Kyle’s unresisting hands, affixing to the head with practice.

“No… just...” Kyle looked away, embarrassed, “I’ve just never seen you like this.”

“Like what?”

“Trusting. Relaxed. Happy. You must really like her, huh?”

Kenny didn’t have to think to answer, “Of course. Tammy’s great.”

“Oh.” If anything Kyle’s voice took a further dip and Kenny’s eyebrows knit at the sound, shouldn’t his stamp of approval mark Tammy as more trustworthy and thereby less of a risk to their mission?

Maybe he was pissy that Kenny was actually in a good mood, “I’m not _always_ an asshole ya know, just around spoiled royal brats.”

It was supposed to be a joke. It came out as a joke. A reference to Kenny’s ongoing disdain for monarchy. He thought it would comfort Kyle into an easier mood.

Instead Kyle’s entire body tensed and his lip was nothing but a thin line.

Kenny decided that whatever had crawled up Kyle’s butt could make a home there because, honestly, they didn’t have time for this. And clearly everything he said pushed the critter further into the rectal cavities.

Luckily Kyle seemed to be thinking along the same lines, “Let’s just hurry up and get this over with. Where do we go from here?”

The book was most likely in an upstairs study for the wizard king’s perusal in the evening. If he was still the same as Kenny remembered him, he would push off intellectual activities until the evening. Favoring the daytime for throne sitting, receiving reports, and most importantly _entertainment_. If he was doing any reading in the daytime it was maps with his generals.

All they had to do was maid their way upstairs, replace the book with a different tome from the church library with no relevance to the old royal family, and they were home free. The wizard would never have a reason to suspect and thereby would never look.

It was so easy and yet Kenny couldn’t deny the pit in his stomach. So much could go wrong. Too much could go wrong.

The familiar staircase and guard rotations helped a bit. It was somehow amazing that despite all the changes his life had gone through, the castle seemed to be functioning as if absolutely nothing had changed.

He really had been an ultimately meaningless pawn in a bullshit game.

Kyle was pressed behind him. It probably made them look more suspicions but Kenny was confident that he could play the shy maid card. He knew that Kyle could play along with that, even if he was still feeling a bit tense.

There was a familiar titter up the hall and Kenny grabbed Kyle without hesitation to drag them into the nearest room.

It was a closet.

Good, they could retrieve some cleaning supplies and look less suspicious. But more importantly the maid that was currently chattering away passed the closet could not find them.

Leslie was a person he’d learned not to trust the hard way.

He breathed out again after her voice faded, only then realizing that he’d been holding it.

“I take it she’s someone we don’t want to run into?” Kyle whispered, breath tickling his ear.

Kenny nodded, a bit uncomfortable, “At any cost. She’ll be able to recognize me and she will screw us.”

Why was the distance between them so small? The closet shouldn’t be _that_ small. Well, he had pulled the king flush up against him to get them in there in a hurry, but he could have pulled away after they were dragged in.

“Think it’s safe to go out?” Kyle’s breath was still brushing against his ear.

Probably. She didn’t have any reason to back track. There were no other sounds outside and they were in a hurry to complete the mission quickly.

And then, after this mission, never see the king of the elves ever again.

Kenny leaned forward into the warmth, “Let’s wait just a bit longer to be sure.”

He could feel Kyle’s chin raise and fall. There didn’t seem to be any of the tension from earlier so maybe whatever it was had crawled out of his butt.

It was warm and comfortable. When was the last time he’d felt a warm and comfortable touch that wasn’t Kyle’s? Tammy had hugged him but it was short and followed by a slap.

Kyle would rest his hands in a warm and supportive way, firm and consistent. He did it when Kenny was sick too.

Bebe’s touches had been quick and purposeful, she had a job to do and she would do it gently and quickly.

It was nice to just rest his head somewhere warm.

“Kenny?”

Kyle’s voice was soft.

Kenny sighed and squared his shoulders, “Yeah, I know, we should go. Grab a mop or something, it’ll make us look more believable.”

Kyle didn’t say anything but a clatter told him that he’d taken some cleaning item or another. Kenny decided he didn’t need one and opened the door to get out.

It wasn’t ideal how much he didn’t really want to get out.

Karen. Think about Karen and find the bastards study, retrieve the stupid book, and call it a day.

Refocused he continued to lead Kyle through the halls, not daring to look at the kings face.

Or rather, preferring not to reveal the warmth on his own.

It was easy to put his entire attention into the path at hand. Up the stairs, through the corridor, curtsy to the guard, down the hall, and up one more flight. He remembered that most of the potentially sensitive materials were kept in this room.

It was where he found evidence of his soon-to-be assassination. He swallowed back the nausea and gestured for Kyle to follow him closer behind.

Moments away from solving this entire stupid problem.

He rapped on the door twice, nodding at his companion for confirmation.

No sounds from inside, no response to knocks, it was safe for them to enter on the pretense of 'tidying up'.

It was disturbingly close to how he remembered it.

He was pretty sure if he looked he could find the documentation on his assassination exactly where he'd left it.

Focus, he reminded himself, find and replace the book.

Kyle was moving around the room cautiously as well, trying not to disturb anything in the less-than tidy room while still locating the book in question.

Kenny felt his earlier dread over the mission potentially going wrong all over again.

The door opened again.

"Hello, Kinny. Long time, no see."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i know i promised a 2-shot and my original idea really was going to conclude in two chapters.......... but then i got inspired and made shit more complicated and added a bunch of scenes and the second part was getting hella long and i was just like 'fuckit, 3-shot it is' I'm sorry >X>;;;;;; I swear I'll //try// not to do this again (ive written a bit farther but i wanted to find the douchiest place to cut it off because im just not a nice person)
> 
> thank you to everyone that is reading/enjoying this fic, I wrote it on a total whim (and the plot is p silly) so i really hope i don't end up disappointing you guys long-run XD  
> also found out that autocorrect on my work laptop is making some hella weird replacements sometimes??? (last one I caught was 'collar' turning into 'color', srsly why????) I looked over this real quick to see if there was anything obvs but I may have missed some, apologies if i did XD;;; (<<<\-----needs to take fic editing way more srsly)
> 
> ((ok can i just say that sometimes its rlly hard not to include kyles inner monologue. like all i could think when tammy tossed kenny the change of clothes is how much kyle must be thinking 'holyfuck????? how fucking long and frequent is his crossdressing hobby???????' and also a lot of 'it's literally not fair that he's totally right about looking amazing in a skirt. i kinda fucking hate him' and 'how is it possible for someone to be this agitating but also have a point?!?!' and of course 'OKAY BUT WHY DOES HE NEVER SMILE AT ME, IVE SRSLY BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE, HE HAS A REALLY NICE SMILE I AM SO PISSED'))


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> completely un-edited >x>;;;;;; im sorry, i wanted to post quickly and i wrote too much and now my fingers hurt XD;;;; i swear i'll come back and fix my random typos and shit later. in the meantime i hope you enjoy <3

"...well, I suppose we should count our blessings."

Kenny didn't particularly enjoy being chained to a wall but it brought him some amusement that the king of the elves was strung up next to him, still in the ridiculous maid get-up.

But it was night and there wasn't a guard immediately outside their cell and the king was funny looking.

Aforementioned king was feeling a bit snappish apparently, "What could _possibly_ be worse than this?"

He had a point, probably, but Kenny was determined to stay positive. After all, this was the moment where he would have to actually trust the damn king. Might as well be positive about it.

"For starters, he didn't recognize you. You make a much more convincing girl than either of us realize."

"...because his 'insinuation' that you 'fucked your way into the castle with this slutty maid' was completely harmless."

Kenny shrugged, "It's not like it's something I _wouldn't_ do. And dude, you'd be dead on sight if he'd recognized you. Better to be a slutty maid then a dead king."

"Okay, but that would have spared me the _two hours_ he spent talking about complete bullshit where I had to keep my mouth shut." Kyle's eyes were bloodshot with rage. If the wall in front of him had any semblance of self-preservation it would have crumbled under the weight of the glare.

"And keeping your head down, that was an important part!" Kenny sniggered.

"....you're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Oh, he'd gotten caught, Kenny gave an embarrassed shrug, "Okay, maybe just a _little_ , your face was kind of hilarious when he started talking about _why_ your so used to keeping your head down."

"You have a twisted sense of humor." Kyle mouth was a thin line, "This is bad. We're both going to die. He can't afford for you to be found alive and it's only a matter of time before he realizes my identity."

"I'm okay with this, actually."

Kyle's eyes snapped to look at the relaxed boy sharing his cell, "How can you _possibly_ be okay with this?!"

"Sure, he read the book, but all he found was me. And he caught me. Sure, he'll probably make extra sure I'm dead-dead this time but he has no reason to search for anyone else. So I'm good."

Icy silence. There are some lulls in conversation that are sudden, like the dip off a cliff, or slow like the tumble down a hill.

This was frozen. Unspoken words of rage and screams of retort lost in a cold empty wilderness of speechlessness.

It felt like longer than it was before the kings chilly tone entered the room, "How can you be so selfish."

It wasn't a question. There was a weight there that was meant to place the room into a painful constraint.

He continued, "It's okay if a war breaks loose, so long as your sister is safe? It's okay if you die, so long as your sister is safe? How many more, how many innocent sisters and brothers, how much of this intolerance--and just for one fucking life."

Kyle was shaking visibly, Kenny allowed a smile. This would work rather well.

"Yep."

Kyle snapped, "What the actual _fuck_ , Kenny?! I thought you were a decent person--"

"--your own assumption."

"--you pushed so hard to stop the war, you saved my life, you nearly sacrificed your own, you're--I don't understand you! If you wanted to stop the war so fucking bad, why couldn't you just step forward?!" Kyle was glaring directly at him, as close as his chains would allow him to get.

Kenny reminded himself not to respond.

"You could stop _all_ of this if you just showed the world that 'Princess McCormick' is still alive! I wouldn't even have to _be_ here if you would just stop being such a fucking coward! You'll put on a million fucking stupid skirts but not the one that could _save your entire country_?! What is _wrong_ with you?!"

He knew the accusation, he'd tossed it at himself a few times. He knew the king had to have been thinking it. Kenny had to bite his own tongue.

It didn't help.

"Oh, so it would be better if I was a royal bitch prancing around the fucking country like I own it?" his voice was low and he wondered why he couldn't restrain it. Maybe because this was the last.

"You _would_ own it! You could have stopped _all_ of this. I can't believe I didn't see what a selfish _asshole_ you are until this moment, _why did I even come to help you_?! I was an _idiot_ for thinking you were worthy of my trust!"

"Too fucking bad for you then!" Kenny was losing it, he tried to keep his eye on the prize, "I didn't _ask_ for your help! I never wanted anything to fucking do with you! What, did you want me to be prancing around in the little princess skirt without a care in the world like some royal _asshole_?!"

"It's not like you mind the fucking skirts, you fucking pervert. Or was that all an act? Did the big-mean-wizard make you dress up too much and now you're confused--?"

"--it's not like that," ground through clenched teeth.

"Do you actually hate cross-dressing?"

" _It's not about the fucking cross-dressing_ , you short-sighted piece of crap fucking moron trash of a royal _bastard_! It was the fucking system that runs this entire fucking horrible kingdom and your own piece of trash country! The one that places individuals of lower birth below those with a trace of some long-dead assholes 'higher-than-thou' blood in them! The one that enables these same morons to do whatever the _fuck_ they want with peasants, _peoples lives_ , entirely unchecked! Have you ever thought for one minute that the problem isn't the _stupid_ wizard king?! Rather the fact that such a ridiculous, condescending, and overpowered position exists to begin with?! Without a role like this one the 'wizard king' would just be a whiney little bitch with some magical aptitude. _But no_ , we need _monarchs_! Have you ever fucking considered that your stupid position _is_ the problem?! Sure, you might be an okay king, who fucking knows, but who's to fucking say your son or his son isn't an _asshole_. Who's to say if I took over 'my rightful position'," he poured venom into the last bit, "that it wouldn't just lead to more horrors down the line?! This system is short-sighted and fucking dumb. I won't be a part of it and there is no _fucking_ way I'm going to let the _only family I have left on this planet_ be sucked into it either. I don't give a fuck if you think I'm selfish, I _am_. I have my own damn priorities, just like everyone else on this fucking rock. Give a selfish bastard unchecked powers and it creates _problems_ , your royal _highness_!"

He panted heavily, vision slowly focusing on the startled face of his companion. His own intense emotions apparently draining away some of the kings.

He hadn't meant to say that. Any of that.

It was what he thought. It was how he felt. It was what he believed.

He'd never meant to share it. Damn the stupid king for getting under his skin so successfully. He calmed his breath before Kyle found his words.

It didn't matter what he'd said in the end. It was over. It didn't really matter what Kyle heard or thought so long as he remembered him as a bastard.

A jangling at the door told him that time was up anyway. Kyle looked alarmed, Kenny almost wanted to tell him to calm down but he was still sore from their fight and it'd be clear soon enough.

The door opened and a dark figure slid in wordlessly.

"Are you M?"

Kenny nodded, ignoring Kyle's confused gape, "Yeah. The prisoner next to me is the one you're here for."

The figure nodded and made his way up, Kyle struggled away as far as he could. Kenny decided he'd tormented the guy long enough, "Relax, Ky, this is your ride out."

"What..." Kyle's voice was as limp as his body was becoming. The dark figure took advantage of the stillness to begin working on the bonds holding him.

Kenny tutted, "Did you think I wouldn't leave a way out in case me or Karen ever got caught? What do you think I am, an idiot?"

"Then why did you pretend you were going to die?! Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

Kenny smiled, "Because you wouldn't like it." he paused, answering in reverse order, "And because I am."

The figure was finished with his chains and had begun tugging, Kyle wasn't looking away from Kenny, "What are you doing, we have to get Kenny out." the voice held a hint of desperation with the realization of what was going to happen.

Kenny shook his head, "I only prepaid for one prisoner. I was never getting out. Stay alive, don't get caught, get out of the country, and work on another stupid worthless treaty."

"But--"

"I have to die, Kyle. He'll keep looking for McCormick's otherwise."

"Kenny, you can't fucking--"

"Feldspar. Get him out of here."

The man nodded and Kyle didn't have time for another word of protest before he was knocked unconscious and dragged away.

It was worth it. The money he'd put into this escape plan. All he had to do was leave an M somewhere on his way to the dungeon and the famous thief's inside man would see it and the man himself would be here same night service. Kenny pondered if the guy lived around or inside the Keep.

He'd felt so sly when he'd brokered the deal.

Told Karen she only needed to do one thing if she was dragged here against her will.

It would be fine now. Karen was safe and the stupid king of the elves could be trusted to keep her that way.

He shouldn't trust the king. He didn't trust the king.

But here he was, trusting Kyle. Like a moron.

It was fine though, so long as he died as a 'selfish bastard' Kyle probably wouldn't do anything stupid or death defying. And so long as he was alive, Karen had a strong benefactor.

What could the king do, after all, except head home? A king's power was an illusionary one at all times, if you weren't followed by your subjects, you were nothing but a commoner.

The king would have no choice but to retreat back. He had no soldiers here.

He really had to count his blessings, the wizard might have killed Kyle on the spot if he'd been recognized and then where would they be?

Kyle, high king of the elves, really needed to start looking at the bigger picture.

\--

"Well, Kinny, I see your slut escaped. Care to explain how that happened?"

Kenny sipped his tea casually, well aware that it could be poison and at home with the possibility that it could be his last drink, "Bitch is mad flexible in bed, my bet is she twisted her arm out of socket or someshit."

The room was at least more comfortable in comparison to the dungeon. Kenny was okay with dying here.

Eric's stare was without amusement, "I didn't raise a princess to use such vulgar language. What happened, Kinny? Learn all those terrible words in hell?"

"Nah, it was your mom while I was fucking her into--"

" _Kinny_. I hope you're aware that your life is in my hands." Eric lifted an open palm to demonstrate his point, "One wrong word and _whoops_ , goodbye again, Princess." he squeezed his fingers into a fist.

Kenny shrugged, nonplussed.

"How _did_ you survive last time, Princess? I would swear _those devilish elves_ ," his eyes twinkled with the words, "Snuck poison into your food. And the _archer_ , it was so, so tragic to see you fall from your tower. The castle mourned for ages."

"What can I say, I bounce back pretty easy."

"See, that's the problem I'm having, _Kinny_. The people can't just have their _beloved_ fallen princess arise from the grave. It would cause problems, as I'm sure you're aware, my god the scandal alone would be just _awful_."

"Uh-huh, so basically you want me to stay dead."

Eric smiled, a dangerous little sneer, "That would be ideal, yes, I'm happy all of those lessons in politics didn't fly entirely over that _pretty little head_ , but what guarantee do you have that you'll stay dead this time?"

They were entering dangerous territory.

"I'm going to need to know how you survived, Princess, and oh, of course, _who helped you_?"

Kenny knew the question was coming but still couldn't restrain the slight discomfort it brought him.

He knew he could endure and keep his mouth shut. He knew Tammy wouldn't say anything that could harm her position. _Leslie_ was the mistake that still haunted him. The reason his escape from the castle hadn't worked out so well last time.

And the little girl, Tricia, was also a question mark. Sure, Tammy trusted her and knew not to trust Leslie. But did the little girl known not to trust Leslie?

"How did you get out the first time, Kinny? I know you were whoring around with the servants and guards, but which one did you talk into saving your neck?"

Eric wasn't even going to pretend he was innocent anymore, was he?

Kenny put on his best smarmy smile, "Would it make me a bastard if I didn't remember the name?"

"You've always been a poor bastard. I expected as much from you. That's where you're in luck though, Kinny, as we speak I'm having a trusted underling putt together an exhaustive list of your conquests. And don't worry, if you can't remember even then, I can just start lopping heads until your memory jogs."

A crude and cruel tactic.

Kenny grit his teeth, "What do you have to gain from this? You have me, I'm as good as dead, why the fuck would you go about killing half of your own personnel?"

Eric's eyebrows shot up, " _Half_? Holyshit, Kinny, you little slut."

Normally Kenny didn't mind the word. There were a lot of things he normally wouldn't mind if it wasn't coming from the small minded bastards lips.

He tried to calm himself down, he was exaggerating anyway, trying to scare the wizard into thinking it was a lost cause.

The mans eyes were sparkling with sadistic glee though and Kenny understood that it was highly unlikely he'd let up.

Anyone but Tammy. Or rather no one was preferred to suffer in the name of this stupidity. If anyone he would _love_ to throw Leslie under the bus, but that would be a hard story to sell.

He needed someone though. Eric probably assumed that it was the same person that helped the 'slutty maid' escape.

Think, Kenny, who in the world would Eric hesitate to kill? Someone that might have helped him if asked?

"Leopold."

 _Shit_ , he hadn't meant to say the name out loud.

Eric's eyebrows shot up and he almost choked on his own tea, " _Butters_? You slept with _Butters_?"

It was too late to backtrack but Kenny still tried, "No, I didn't sleep with him. I barely know the guy. I just remembered him when you mentioned my conquests, I was thinking of targeting him next."

Too late he realized his rushed defense actually made Butters sound like a more likely conspirator. Eric's eyes were narrowed into slits, "That ungrateful little shit, how dare he pull this--servant!" Jason, the servant standing behind him approached, Kenny thought it was pretty amazing that the stupid asshole couldn't remember the guys name when Kenny could, "Get me Paladin Butters. He's got some explaining to do."

Great, Kenny might have gotten one of the few relatively decent seeming people in this damn castle killed. He reminded himself why the name came to mind though and tried to calm the chaos of his mind. Focus on the despicable tone, "You're rather upset at the prospect." He leaned forward, chains jangling as he went, " _Jealous_?"

It paid to be perceptive. That's all Kenny had been while he was in the castle, outside of getting hoodwinked, he'd watched people and observed relationships.

Among dozens of servants, political allies and rivals, faceless guards, and countless pawns for his stupid fucking games, there was one person that the great wizard king kept around that Kenny couldn't place.

Too high up to be a complete pawn, too kind to fully support outright cruelty, and too useless to be a political tool.

Leopold Stotch, the Paladin Butters, was a person that Eric kept close. So close that when Kenny started _adventuring_ with puberty and the castle staff, suddenly Butters was always sent off on pointless errands.

Kenny didn't think they were together. He didn't even think Eric truly liked the guy, if the stupid wizard knew _how_ to like people, but he _was_ weirdly possessive of him.

The trouble with that was it was entirely based on speculation. It was _unlikely_ that Eric would kill Butters... but not off the table.

That fact was driven home by the rage on the wizards face from his taunt.

"Guard," Eric's tone was disturbingly calm, "Escort the princess back to her cell. Oh, and I think she's trying to watch her weight so be sure to help her out by tossing her meals."

Starvation. Kenny could laugh. Joke was on the fatass, Kenny hadn't eaten consistent meals since he'd ditched the dumb princess gig. Besides, he'd been in isolation for the passed two days with a regular one meal a day. He was set.

Still, he tried to look at least a little put out as the guard, one he didn't recognize, helped him to his feet. He decided he could afford one more taunt, "Worried Butters might like what he sees?"

He may have gone overboard. The guards hand was tightening on his upper arm (loyal to the king then?) and Eric's face transformed into one of tranquility.

 _Always_ a terrible sign from the monarch.

" _Kinny_ ," Eric's voice was sugar sweet, "I've been thinking a lot about that backwater village you came from lately. What was it called again?" he tapped his chin, "Park, yes that was it. I've been thinking of paying it a visit, pay my respects to your dead parents and all. What do you think?"

He knew.

How long had he known?

Kenny couldn't puzzle it out. Did he learn recently or had he always known?

It was extremely likely he'd have some insane plan ready and waiting if he'd always known. Kenny didn't want to think about that option.

The guard squeezed his arm again and Kenny rolled his eyes. Keep walking.

Don't give the bastard the satisfaction of a response.

Maybe he was bluffing.

"Take care, Kinny. Who's to know? Maybe I'll have a new princess by the time you're off of your diet plan."

He couldn't stop himself, he whirled to face the _stupid fat royal piece of--_ "Yo--"

He didn't get farther, the guard dragged him out of the room. Stronger than expected. Kenny glared at the guard instead.

The guard's face was impassive, tugging him down the hall.

He should be thankful, showing the bastard panic would only satisfy him further.

The guard might have been trying to protect his stupid king but all he'd done is deny the asshole the fruit of his taunts. Kenny could enjoy a petty victory in that.

"Was it really such a good idea for you to rile him up like that?"

That genuinely took Kenny aback and he looked at the now somewhat uncomfortable looking guard, trying to decipher the purpose of the question, finally he decided it didn't matter, "I mean, he's going to kill me no matter what, so what does it matter?"

The guard opened his mouth again but snapped it shut as a pair of footsteps met them.

Another guard joined them in their journey to the dungeons. This one Kenny recognized as Clyde. He grinned, "Hey Clyde, how's the job been treating you?"

Clyde looked upset, if Kenny remembered the guy was a bit of a crybaby, "...it's been better..." he managed.

Kenny vaguely remembered making passes at the guard, "Shit, Clyde are you getting dragged into the dumb investigation? Sorry, man, wouldn't have hit on you if I'd known it'd put you in this position."

Clyde looked confused and Kenny remembered why his passes had gone straight over the guys head, bit dense this one. Still cute though. Clyde found his words, "No? I just--I just found out you're still _alive_ and now I'm told we're supposed to keep you a secret and you're a traitor?" poor boy sounded so confused.

Kenny laughed, "Don't worry about that, I died for a bit, now I'm back a bit, and soon I'll be gone again."

Clyde still looked upset but now he was glancing at the other guard here and there.

Belatedly Kenny recalled that the unfamiliar guard seemed loyal to the current monarch. Shit. He must be more shaken than he'd thought to miss that. He might have just painted a damn target on Clyde's head by being so friendly.

Shit. He shouldn't talk to anyone anymore. He didn't want a bunch of people to die with this one. Let the stupid wizard have his head and then it would be over.

...except it wouldn't. He knew about Karen.

Kenny bit the inside of his cheek to contain his panic. Karen was fine.

Karen would be fine.

He was going to trust that bitchass Kyle.

They reached the cell and Kenny waltzed in like he owned the place, flopping down on the ground like it was the most comfortable thing in the world.

Clyde smiled in a familiar way and Kenny remembered that the guy had frequently let him act like a spoiled little princess. The unfamiliar guards eyes were looking around the cell, probably for weaknesses.

Kenny decided if he was going to die, he'd do it as a sassy mother fucker, "Don't bother looking for how she escaped." Kenny grinned, "Like I said, she was _flexible_." He made sure to make his tone as unpleasantly dirty as possible.

The guard looked oddly amused. Kenny wondered if he was the sort that enjoyed hearing about others sexual exploits.

"You had an exciting relationship with her then?" there was something odd about the tone.

Kenny let some actual emotion wash into his tone, some of the fondness that had grown with short time he'd known kingy, "What can I say? I'm weak to red-heads."

The guards left. Kenny puzzled together the remainder of his plan.

The wizard king would investigate Butters. Hopefully, the idiot would realize he'd been misled and return to questioning Kenny. After long enough with minimal answers and small hints, the wizard would realize the missing maid that escaped the dungeon had to be the accomplice from ages ago. He'd leave enough of a trail for Tammy to direct rumors that way and it should work out.

So long as Leslie didn't interfere. She would know that they didn't have a servant meeting Kyle's description back when Kenny escaped.

Kenny sighed, one way or another he would have to get Leslie on his side or at very least misled. Unfortunately both were tall orders.

He considered himself rather good at manipulation, Leslie was terrifyingly good at it. Kyle thought that no one but the fatass still wanted war? He should really meet Leslie.

Kenny corrected himself, it wasn't that Leslie _wanted_ war, it was that she could find ways to benefit from it and she enjoyed maneuvering men of power to do her bidding.

It was doubtless that without or without her hands in it, the wizard king would still insist on exterminating the elves (being a bigoted jackass) but Leslie was the sort that pulled strings to keep him in power.

He had the scars to prove her dedication to it, too.

With a sigh he settled himself for a restless nap. If he could figure out what Leslie's goal was he might be able to figure out how to get her to stop working against him.

He honestly had no clues though.

\--

"There's only two days before the execution is planned."

"Shit, that's not a lot of time."

Déjà vu. It'd been awhile since he'd woken up to the sound of a hushed conversation. He recognized one of the voices, barely, but he couldn't place where.

"How's he doing?"

"He's... spirited. I don't think I could imagine a guy with more energy on death row."

Oh, right, it was the guard from the other day. Who was he talking to though? The other voice sounded a touch feminine to Kenny's ears.

"Should we tell him?"

The voices got quieter and Kenny couldn't make out the details. He decided that he'd had enough playing possum on his adventures with Kyle and opened his eyes to peak out the bars. Neither figure was looking his way, but the guard from before was leaning against the cell.

Kenny grinned and snuck their way before placing an arm on the guards shoulder, "What are you guys talking about?" he purred.

" _Holyshit_!" the guard jumped out of his skin, "Weren't you asleep?!"

Kenny ignored him and took in the other figure, dressed as a maid with the posture of a soldier and long dark hair cascading on her shoulders.

She was either better than him at cross-dressing or a female soldier dressed as a maid? Last Kenny checked the stupid wizard king didn't allow female soldiers.

Kenny's smirk grew, "Oh my god, you guys are spies. That is just _hilarious_."

The looked aghast so Kenny proceeded, nothing to lose after all, "What country you guys spying for? Don't look like elves so prolly not 'round there... wouldn't expect that posture from a barbarian and also, no tattoo. Oh, oh! P _lease_ tell me you guys work for that Prince Token dude, saw him at a ball awhile back and he was a _hoot_. Could tell he didn't care for the fatass either."

That didn't look like the case judging by their expression so Kenny continued, "Hmm... can't think of anyone else at the moment that would want an ear in here, what are you guys even after? If you want evidence against his great wizard-ness' crimes, you should really be dusting upstairs, ya know? Dude keeps shit documented."

The girl opened her mouth finally, "Where upstairs."

Kenny liked the command in her voice, he leaned further on the uncomfortable fake guard to purr at her, "I'd love to tell you, really, I would, but I don't really see how it benefits me."

The guard shook him off, glaring, "Don't talk to her like that!"

Kenny shrugged, "Or what? I'll be executed?" an eye-roll, "You guys do realize I have nothing to lose, right?"

The 'maid' took a step forward and leveled him with an honestly scary stare. Seriously, Kingy should take lessons from this chick on intimidation if they ever met, "We're here to stop a war. If you have any information that could help us please tell us what you know."

Kenny considered this. He didn't know them. He didn't know who they worked for, how long they'd infiltrated the castle, what their ultimate goal was, and he could shake the feeling of unrest at the motivation.

Everyone was trying to stop a war these days. Was it a trend?

All the same, he was out of ideas, he'd stalled as much as he could with the Butters thing, he had no clue how to use Leslie, and if Eric didn't have a distraction soon he was probably going to resort to plan A: kill half his staff.

If nothing else he could use these two as distractions while he thought.

With that thought in mind he grinned through the bars, "Would evidence that he had his own princess assassinate do?"

\--

Focus on breathing.

The cracking sound was more distressing than the actual sensation on his back. A trained response from a few days of this.

"Talk to me, Kinny. Who is it? Who betrayed me?"

_Crack_

Remember to breathe.

"Silence won't get you anywhere, you know this won't end until you talk."

Kenny gnashed his teeth, "That's what I told your mom when she forgot the safe word."

_Crack_

Breathing. Kenny tried to take his mind away from the moment. This was good. If this was happening then they still hadn't found out about Tammy.

There was more talking above him. Orders. Gnashing. The meaty sound of flesh meeting _crack_.

He didn't have Karen, either. If he did he would be using her as leverage. It had been enough time to know this meant Kyle had kept his promise.

Karen was safe.

That alone allowed him to breathe.

Dying was going to suck. The knowledge that Kyle kept his promise brought everything into an uncomfortable perspective.

_Crack_

For all he hated royalty, and would continue to do so until his dying breath, Kyle hadn't been what he hated about royalty.

Just a foolish man trying to save his country through ridiculous means. Looked cute in a skirt too.

_Crack_

He'd miss Karen's laugh but he'd already lost that so long ago.

_Crack_

He'd miss Tammy's smile but it was pained of late anyway.

_Crack_

He'd miss Kelly's flirts but the girl would probably hate him if she found out his gender anyway.

_Crack_

He'd miss Bebe's kindness but she grew up the same way he did, knowing that life was transient.

_Crack_

He'd miss Kyle because... he wanted more time. There was a man that he'd never properly tried to get to know. Just sniped at and pushed around. He could be regal and bossy or tactical and interesting. He had a fun face when he embarrassed too. They'd barely gotten friendly before this.

" _Tell me what I want to know, Kinny_!"

CRACK

Breathe. Remember to breathe. Don't listen to the wet meaty sounds. Don't feel the pain.

Kyle had protected Karen as promised. Kenny would miss him because he'd never have the opportunity to say thank you or I'm sorry.

_Crack_

\--

"You seem comfortable, Kenny."

Kenny rolled over, "Sweet as ever, Leslie. What brings you to my little piece of paradise?"

Leslie smiled that empty smile of hers, Kenny wondered if she had feelings or if she was some sort of doll, "I wanted to say goodbye, Kenny. You're being executed today. We found your little helper from your last escape."

Kenny's polite smile froze, "I didn't know I had help. I could have sworn I was _supposed_ to have your help, before you literally stabbed me in the back."

She shrugged, something dangerous in her eyes, "What can I say? War is more lucrative than peace."

 _There_.

Kenny could laugh. So late in the game and he'd finally pieced together such a stupidly simple motivation. Even Leslie couldn't fake that level of accidental honesty.

"Money? _Really_? All this time, all your bullshit, the people you've burned, all for money?"

She was still smiling, "I would think you of all people would understand, growing up with nothing."

That time he really did laugh. A long and hearty laugh that split his sides and hurt his stinging back. Leslie took a step back from the sound.

"Tha-thanks," he collected himself, "I _really_ needed that. Oh my _god_ , I needed that."

"Have you finally gone insane?"

The tension had completely leaked out of his shoulders, "Nah, I was always nuts. It's just kinda nice to know that, in the end, you're a fucking moron."

"Excuse me?" if the doll-like girl was capable of emotion, he was sure that one would be labeled offense.

Kenny shrugged, wincing at the pain it brought, "You're a moron. And someday that stupidity is going to catch up with you. And sure, _I_ won't be here to see it, but I really enjoy imagining the headache it'll bring you in the end."

"I take it you're not going to enlighten me then." her tone was flat.

His smile was open and plane, "If I _told_ you, you might actually stand a chance at fixing the deficiency and then, how would I sleep at night? You don't understand how much I _need_ to know you got fucked over in the end."

"Why me in particular? Why not the Wizard King?"

"Oh, him too. But there's a special place in hell for a bitch like you and I hope you like it there."

It was, after all, her interference and betrayal that had skewed his plans. Delivered the lasting injuries that cost him such valuable time.

Time that cost his brothers life.

He wouldn't tell her that either though. The less she knew about him and his family, the better.

Still, the knowledge that she hadn't the slightest clue what _nothing_ really meant would be a small comfort as he left the world.

Leslie had returned to smiling, like the upper hand hadn't been lost to the confusion of Kenny's laugher, "I'll have to visit you and your little girlfriend down there when that time comes."

Oh, right, they'd caught someone. Was it Tammy? The lousy spies he'd sent to get dirt? The little girl Tammy had trusted? Clyde?

Kenny measured his responses and  chose ignorance, "Girlfriend? Haven't you heard, half the castle was my girlfriend at some point. You're going to have to be _way_ more specific."

He didn't want to know the answer. His stomach lurched at the thought of hearing a familiar name, innocent or guilty, was joining him on the chopping block.

"Your little Wendy."

Oh god, not--

Wait.

Who the fuck is Wendy?

Kenny moved so that a flinch of agony could disguise his confusion.

He didn't know anyone named Wendy.

"You've got the wrong person," he ground out, pain doing more than he thought it would.

Leslie laughed in a self-satisfied way, dainty and cute, "I thought you'd say that. I just wanted to see that look of despair on your face."

Why did no one believe him when he actually told the truth? Bad karma, he supposed.

"What the hell do you have against me, anyway?" Kenny was actually puzzled, "If it's all about money, why come down here and gloat?"

Her smile was sincere, " _Because_ , Princess McCormick, _confirmed_ information sells for a much higher price."

Ah, it had all been a bluff. She wanted him to confirm her suspicions so that she could inform the wizard king without concern.

He decided against another peel of laughter at that. The last one had actually been quite painful.

Oh well, at least death would end _that_ pain. Was a shame that this Wendy chick was going down with him though. The selfish side of him was a bit okay with this though, at least it wasn't Tammy or anyone he knew.

Execution in a few hours, he decided it was a good time to catch up on some sleep.

\--

_"You're surprisingly good at building a fire for a royal twit."_

_The royal twit in question didn't even bother with annoyance at the quip, instead poking at his creation with a stick, "You seem to be of the opinion I've spent my entire life indoors."_

_Kenny shrugged, "I don't know how you elves raise your snootier-than-thou, just guessing from experience."_

_"Oh, you've met a lot of royalty then?"_

_More than he ever wanted to._

_Kenny instead chose to change the topic, "I'll admit you're oddly handy. Bebe had nothing but praises about you at the bar. I kinda wish I could have seen it, high and mighty asshole king playing barkeep in a whore-house."_

_"Don't call it that." Kyle looked uncomfortable._

_"It's what it is." Kenny deadpanned, "Bebe's not ashamed of her profession either, so don't be ashamed for her."_

_"I'm not ashamed for her--just.. I guess it is a bit of culture-shock." the king sounded sheepish. Kenny kinda enjoyed that._

_"Nothing like that in your country, then?"_

_"Not--" the king saw his raised eyebrows and amended his statement, "--to my knowledge, at least."_

_Kenny thought that was an acceptable answer._

_He opened his mouth to tease before he stopped himself, reminding that he shouldn't be getting friendly with the royal idiot. Lake, library, complete mission, end of story._

_It was ridiculous. Camping out with the king of the elves on his way to the place he'd never wanted to go to again._

_The king would probably_ flip _if he learned who Kenny was. Not that he'd ever find out._

_He wondered about the pub again. Why had the king gone to such lengths to help him heal? Was he just foolishly kind? Did he somehow understand he wouldn't make it very far without Kenny's help?_

_Was Bebe right and it was a crush?_

_The king was silently prodding the fire and Kenny thought, for a moment, with the fire light and the peace, in another life maybe he would have hoped that was the case._

_That was his impression now though and he hadn't given the king enough time to prove himself as what all kings were._

_Lying, disgusting, douche bags._

_Give it time, he reminded himself, sooner or later the guy will prove what an asshole he really is._

\--

"Any last words, Kinny?"

It was a private affair for an execution. Kenny was acutely aware that the wizard king would usually prefer a more public setting but had settled for a private room below the castle, adjacent to the cells. There was a hooded figure with an ax and a chopping block.

Kenny could respect that, if he was worried about a person coming back to life, he'd go for decapitation too. If nothing else if the target _did_ turn out to be immortal, it'd be fucking hard to get around without a damn head.

The door opened and a familiar soldier in maids clothes was guided in. So Wendy had been the spy. He gave her a somewhat apologetic smile, he hadn't meant for her to gdown with him.

She gave him no acknowledgement at all. Kenny noted that the guard leading her in was in actuality her partner-in-crime.

Ah, the two of them would probably plan an escape. He felt some relief that the stranger wouldn't die with him. Kenny was almost tempted to join them on it, if possible.

Almost.

He was bone-tired. He'd spent the past few days accepting his fate. And really, what was waiting for him if he escaped?

More lonely nights where he longed to return home?

More ridiculous adventures to be the hero Karen saw?

More failure?

That was it.

Despite all his efforts and everything he'd done, he knew he'd done nothing in the long run. Nothing for Karen. Nothing for the country. Nothing for anyone.

He'd never _really_ been able to save anyone, only ever caused more harm than good when he attempted to interfere. Even rescuing that damn king from a fire had only resulted in the guy landing in _more_ danger and his own sister being endangered in the crossfire.

Everyday people worked fruitlessly to their own half-baked goals. Eric to a dream of power and dominance that was unreachable due to his own insatiability. Leslie to fill a true nothingness within her with gold, unseeing of the world outside of that and unable to escape her own game. Kyle to his endless dream of somehow bringing peace in a 'legal' and 'peaceful' way.

Karen to...

For the first time since he'd accepted his fate he felt a genuine unrelenting panic.

Karen.

What were her fruitless goals? What did she want from life?

He couldn't remember anymore.

He'd spent years now protecting her from afar, rarely risking a visit and hardly having a conversation even then.

How old was she now? She wasn't a small child anymore, she had to have dreams and ambitions.

She'd had dreams when she was small he just... couldn't recall them anymore.

His eyes burnt with unshed wet and he choked on his own breath, uncaring of what others might see or think.

So long on the unachievable goal of protecting her, of being who she wanted him to be, of doing the 'right thing', of following his own selfish ideas for the future and he hadn't even the slightest idea what hers were.

He was a terrible brother.

He wanted to die and live all at once. Suffer as punishment for ignoring her but also somehow make it through the day in order to make it up to her.

The only thing that kept his broken heart sunken in his stomach was the knowledge that he'd probably fuck it up even if he tried.

He wanted to apologize to her though. He wished there was anyone here he could trust with the message.

"I didn't expect you to cry like a little bitch, Kinny. But if that's what you want for your last words, who am I to stop you?" Eric sounded far too self-satisfied. Kenny decided against looking at him.

He would rather avoid dying with that smirk being the last thing he saw.

His head was positioned on the block and the girl was positioned across from him, she looked sympathetic, he offered her a weak smile and mouthed 'sorry'.

A rapping at the door disrupted the course of events. Kenny assumed it had to do with the spies' escape plan judging by the way they both relaxed a touch.

"Who the hell... Come in!" Eric called.

Paladin Butters looked white as a sheet, Kenny was a little happy to know he'd survived whatever interrogation Eric had given, only more troubled when he saw Wendy and Kenny's positions, but he centered himself and faced his king in earnest.

"What the hell do you want, Paladin?" the coldness in Eric's voice made Kenny wonder if the suspicion was long-lasting.

"Oh gee, I'm really sorry to disrupt, I know this is the important traitor thing and all, but it's urgent, your majesty!" Butters was fidgeting endlessly, "There's an army approaching the Keep!"

" _What_. How have I not heard about this?! How is that even possible? Who's army?!"

Kenny groaned into his wood stub, _please_ let this not be the damn _stupid_ elf kings army. If they went through _all_ this bullshit just for that asshole to fuc--

"Th-that's the thing, your majesty! A-a messenger came and, well, you see,--"

"Spit it out Butters!"

Butters gulped audibly, "They claim to be following the rightful Queen of Zaron."

What.

"WHAT!"

" _What_!?"

Kenny wasn't sure if he heard himself over the wizard but had shaken the guard holding him down with the sheer panic of his exclamation, staring horror-filled eyes at the paladin.

Butters looked like he'd rather be anywhere else but here, under the scrutiny of two very intense pairs of eyes.

Kenny tried to breathe. It couldn't be Karen. It had to be some asshole who knew there was a lost royal family. It had to be--

 _Kyle_. That bastard. That sick fucking bastard. He'd never given up on his original plan, had he?! He _lied_. He realized he could get Karen and the plan would work just as easily. Oh, how fucking _joyful_ the treacherous bastard must have felt when Kenny gave the okay for his men to put Karen in protective custody.

Just one spell, he'd said, a message to my men on the border. They're stationed near Park. They could pick her up real quick.

How the bastard must have internally _crowed_ with laughter when Kenny provided the secret password known only between the two of them, the one that would cause Karen to come willingly and inherently trust the elf kings men.

Kenny was on his feet. He didn't know how he'd gotten there but there was a fire he couldn't tame. He couldn't be in this room. He would _not_ let that sick bastard use his _baby sister_ for this twisted game of crowns.

He was only dimly aware of the wizard king shouting orders at the soldiers stationed in the room and hurrying out of the room after Butters to assess the situation.

They were going to kill him.

Fine.

They could do that. No complaints here.

 _But only after he'd wrung that lying bastards neck_.

A hand reached for his shoulder and he whirled on the guard accompanying Wendy. The hand instantly retracted and the man backed away with self-preservation.

None of the guards looked ready to approach either.

He realized he didn't recognize any of them. He didn't care. He glared at Wendy, she seemed like a decision maker, " _You_."

"Yes?" her voice was level.

"You and your asshole spy friend are getting me out of here, _now_."

'Asshole spy friend' looked willing but Wendy had a twist in her face, "And why should I?"

Kenny's hands balled into fists and he considered how many guards he could probably take out, "Because you're either with me or against me right now, but I'm getting the fuck out of here."

To his surprise, she smiled, "You heard him boys. We should join the festivities upstairs anyway."

The guards all nodded and Kenny felt a bit of respect for the woman, she'd managed to replace _all_ the guards in the room with her own men? He noted that he didn't want to be on her bad side.

The partner he recognized from before approached again with a cautious smile, "Don't worry, Kyle has got it under co--"

His blood ran cold.

He saw red.

He punched the unsuspecting guard in the solar plexus and went for the door, unsurprised to find it unlocked.

" _I am going to kill him_!"

He didn't recognize his own voice past the rage. He heard the sounds of the men following him, Wendy berating someone, he didn't care. He knew this castle like the back of his hand.

But where did he go?

Somewhere he could fucking _kill_ the king of the elves.

Infiltrates the castle, _makes his sister a political pawn_ , broke his _trust_ \--

Kenny ran until he found a window that faced the south gate. He had to assume that was where the stupid elf army led by his _baby_ sister was marching from. His breath froze at what he saw.

It wasn't the elf army.

Or rather, it wasn't _just_ the elf army. He saw flags from many of the surrounding countries, some of which he had personally assisted in gaining treaties with. Allies of the wizard king, sitting at his doorstep.

How the hell had an army of this mass marched this far without the wizard kings knowledge?!

He considered the distractions of late and the level to which Wendy and her men had infiltrated the castle. They had to have been intercepting messages. Eric's entire attention had been on a mole hunt and he hadn't thought about war-games at all.

Kenny felt nauseous. His life had been a distraction for Kyle's _stupid fucking shitty plan_. It was further evidence that the bastard had been as slimy as royalty gets the entire time. And he'd fallen for it _again_.

And this time it would cost him Karen.

What really bothered him about the army was a portion of it with his own countries flag.

Had Kyle somehow managed to recruit his own countrymen for this? More peasants as pawns.

He was so stupid to think for a moment that Kyle didn't view peasants as disposable. What was _wrong_ with him?! What the hell had blinded him so badly that he'd forgotten what he already _knew_ about monarchs?!

He knew the answer and he hated himself more for it.

" _There_ you are." A firm hand held him in place, "Dear _god_ you run fast for an injured dude."

Kenny considered punching the guy again. Clearly he didn't learn.

Instead he figured he'd get some answers before he went to kill the elf king.

"What is the meaning of this." he couldn't hear his own tone passed the blood pumping adrenaline through him.

"Uh... I don't know if it's best to hear it from me... it's under control though. Karen is safe."

" _Safe_?!" Kenny whirled, "Don't you _dare_ say her name and how _dare_ you say she's safe when she's--she's--"

His voice broke a little.

He didn't allow the man time to comment before he raised his hateful gaze to meet the mans eyes, "Where. Is. Kyle."

Wendy was catching up behind the man. Kenny dimly acknowledged that she wasn't the only one rushing through the halls, the place was chaos. Kenny should make his way to the war room and put an end to the wizard king before he retaliated against the army.

He'd being playing right into Kyle's hands, wouldn't he? The man knew Kenny would do _anything_ to protect his sister and his stupid war would be won before it started if Kenny got his hands around the bastards throat.

"His majesty is on his way." it was Wendy.

Kenny implicitly hated her tone, it held respect for the perceived 'superior'.

"To do what exactly?"

Wendy considered him carefully, Kenny was aware he was probably a sight, still in the borrowed maid clothes, torn from a variety of activities, filled to the brim with rage, and sickly looking.

"Would you like me to bring you to him?"

He didn't like her tone. She was reading something in him. She had to notice his animosity. She wasn't arguing with it though, just providing him with options.

He again felt a begrudging respect for her.

He was sure this was playing into the game of crowns if he agreed but he had to get within arms reach if he was going to _murder the shit out of Kyle_ so he nodded stiffly.

Some tension left the male spy, Wendy glared at him, "This is your fault, Stan."

"I didn't realize he'd punch me!"

"Why do you _think_ Kyle said this was to remain a _secret_ mission?"

Stan looked properly abashed. Kenny just stared impatiently, bitterly swallowing the further proof of Kyle's lies.

Wendy didn't waste any more time and began to lead them towards the throne room where guests were often entertained.

Kenny was sure that if he allowed himself to speak it might just come out in curdles of rage.

He tried to focus on the not-so-hushed conversation happening in front of him, "I don't get it, we all want the same thing, why should we keep it a secret from him?"

It's not about _what_ is wanted, it 's about how it's achieved. Kenny wanted to interject but he really didn't trust his voice. He should save his energy and rage for when he saw the royal jackass himself.

If he was lucky both the wizard and the elf king would be in the room and he could get a two for one.

Wendy's response caught his attention, just a little, "It's a bit more complicated than that. Just let it go for now."

He noted that they were entering through a servants entrance. Smart. They could stand at the side until Kyle was close enough for him to _lunge_.

The wizard king was there, on his throne and still arguing with the paladin and some others. Servants milled anxiously around and a small army of guards surrounded the fat bastard. Kenny considered crawling underneath them if it came to it.

The main doors opened and Kenny's breath caught.

Kings, queens, local monarchs, allies and enemies alike, all in a grand procession surrounded by their royal guards. He almost couldn't find the red-head he was here to kill in the mass of royalty. But that wasn't what caused his breathlessness.

There, at the center, standing with dignity and an inner fire that Kenny wasn't sure he'd ever seen, was his baby sister done-up like a Queen.

He'd fucking _murder_ Kyle.

Wendy's arm was holding him in place, as if sensing his bloodlust, and she looked at him meaningfully, "Just wait a little."

He couldn't resist the snarl, "For what? Your precious pointy-eared royal asshole to finish _using_ my sister to achieve his own ends?"

Her expression was tight and so was her grip, " _Listen_."

"What is the meaning of this?" it was the wizard king, standing in an attempt not to be over-shadowed by the mass of regal idiots staring him down.

Karen was the one to march forward and Kenny's heart leapt to his throat, an attempt to dive to stop her foiled by now both Stan and Wendy's firm grips.

"Wizard King," she spoke with such civility and command that Kenny froze in his struggles, "We are here with representatives from our allies to remove you from the throne. I am Karen McCormick, third child of the McCormick family, the last survivor of the lost royal family of Zaron."

Kenny choked, had Kyle told her he was already dead? How _could_ he?

Eric glared down at them, "And why should I listen to you, much less believe you? The country has flourished under my rule, what right does some ancient bloodline even _have_ to the crown?"

Karen looked entirely unperturbed, "It has come to the attention of our neighbors and allies, allow with some of our adversaries, that you have committed a series of crimes that you must be tried for."

"Bullshit!" The wizard king never was great at holding his temper when his authority was threatened, "What evidence do you have of these ridiculous accusations?!"

Karen didn't miss a step, easily gesturing for someone to pass her a stack of papers, she selected one dauntingly, "Among other things, there is the assassination of my elder sister, the late Princess McCormick and the framing of a then ally nation."

Oh god. Kenny recognized those papers, his eyes whirled to Wendy who remained attentive to the proceedings. She'd dug up dirt. She'd found evidence. No wonder she'd needed so many men in the castle. They were digging up dirt.

Karen continued, "We have witnesses and confessions, but what I'm holding here is a very _particular_ kind of contract signed by you."

You. No title. No name. It was rude beyond words. If Kenny wasn't so filled with panic he'd be cheering on the coolness in it. She'd said it so smoothly too. He didn't even mind the regal-type voice if it was her using it.

Though it did fill him with more rage for the elf king.

The wizard king was pale, "Where did you _get that_!? How do I know that isn't a forgery? It was those treacherous elf bastards! They're trying to frame me!"

He was spiraling. Kenny marveled at it. He'd never seen the wizard fall apart like this. Was it an act? It could be. He felt a spark of danger for his sister at the thought.

Some part of him acknowledged that this was literally Eric's worst nightmare brought to life though. He'd worked so long and hard to extinguish the royal family and ensure that the neighboring countries all took _his_ side in the war against the elves.

This was everything he'd spent years working for unraveling without a single warning. It had to effect him.

Kings, Kenny remembered, were only as powerful as those around them allowed them to be.

And the soldiers surrounding the wizard, with the exception of the paladin, seemed to be thinning a bit.

"Eric Cartman," Karen addressed in that same level voice, "It has been agreed that you must step down. You have four different armies at your doorstep, awaiting my command. One built from our people. You may choose to do this with more meaningless bloodshed or you may step down and accept your trial. We promise you that if you choose the latter, we will be merciful with your verdict."

Kenny realized foggily that Karen had been using the royal 'we' almost the entire time.

Something didn't make sense.

There was no way that Kyle could put together an army from Zaron on such short notice. Had he been infiltrating them for a longer time? Why would he have ever needed Kenny's help then?

Karen was speaking in such a way that he hardly recognized her. Dizzily he wondered when was the last time he'd been able to visit her for more than a few moments.

Karen was a country-bumpkin that lived in a poor as dirt village on the border of the country. She'd always been bright and passionate, but to be this prepared and _regal as fuck_ after only a week or so preparation?

Kyle can't have had her picked up earlier, could he?

Kenny felt dizzy.

"Oh gee... Eric, I think you'd better listen to the nice Queen." it was a soft titter of a voice but Kenny and the rest of the occupants all heard it as well.

For a moment, Kenny thought that was it. The wizard king was going to go for one last stand, kill his sister in the fray and immediately die at the hands of the assembled invading force. The promise of vengeance, death, and rage in his eyes. The betrayal in his posture at the paladins words. The world was spinning out of control for him and he was a furious last stand type.

Kenny was already tensed to escape the two grips that had loosened somewhat with time and put himself between his sister and harm.

But then the tension left the wizards shoulders. His eyes still held a promise of pain though and Kenny _hated_ to see it directed at his sister.

"This isn't over. I'll see you in court, you fake queen." he sneered the words so dreadfully that it terrified him.

Karen nodded unperturbed at some of her aides. They were hers, he realized, they didn't look like they were from any kingdom but Zaron and never looked at anyone else for command.

They made their way up to surround the dethroned.

"Let _go_ of me."

"Oh golly Eric, I don't think you should--"

There was a struggle, angry shouts, it was muffled through the haze of Kenny's mind.

He hadn't _really_ slept since he'd gotten imprisoned. Just closed his eyes and tried to stop his racing brain from thinking.

He hadn't had much of anything to eat either. He hadn't worried about it since he was supposed to be dead by now.

His legs wobbled.

The adrenaline that had gotten him this far was dwindling. His vision was blurry as he watched his _baby_ , the one thing he wanted to protect from this, the only person left that mattered to him, ascend those steps and make her way to the throne.

He couldn't hear anything. He'd swear that Stan guy was saying something. The royal assholes were definitely saying something.

The throne.

Crowns.

The wizard king had walked away somewhat _willingly_.

That snapped him awake.

There was no force on earth that could stop the spite of the wizard king. That was a fact he had _lived_ with.

Karen was about to have a seat.

"Oh _fuck_ no!"

He wrestled his way out of the grip and ignored the startled sounds around him,

He'd memorized a perfect course to throne in his earlier calculations, it certainly helped that the crowd around had thinned somewhat.

She was seated.

He saw it. Inches from his sister, her startled eyes locking on him as he dived, the sharp trap descending on her.

There was a blinding pain in his side but he had to laugh. The sound was wet and gurgled.

If he felt it that meant he made it in time.

She was safe.

" _Kenny_!"

That was good enough.

He'd go to sleep now.

\--

"--he punched me, you know, second I said your name."

"I told you it was a bad idea to mention me."

"Okay, but he _literally_ stayed in the castle to die so you could escape, somehow I figured you guys were on better terms. Also he seemed like an actually pretty decent guy when he wasn't being antagonistic."

A sigh, "He didn't do it to save my life, might I remind you the part where I told you he hates my guts and everything I represent?"

A third voice, "I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Kyle. No way he would have trusted you to protect me otherwise."

"...because you made that _so_ easy. I swear, I think it's a family trait of yours to be difficult, refuse to listen to compromise, and go _way_ over the top."

"I'm not going to _deny_ the accusation, but really, why the hell was I going to put an end to _my_ plans just because some foreign asshole king claims its my brothers final wish. 'Don't worry, Karen, just stay put and we'll rescue your brother'. Like _fuck_ I'm going to stay fucking home and let you assholes run the show."

"...your lack of manners is _definitely_ a family trait then."

Her voice thickened, "I already lost one brother because I chose to stay and hide, there is no force on this fucking planet that was going to stop me from protecting my only remaining family."

"You guys are way too identical that way, it's kind of scary."

"Thank you!"

It didn't sound like a compliment, there was an affectionate sigh.

Stan's voice again, "Scared the shit out of me when Wendy and I came to pick her up. We said the codeword you mentioned in your message and the literal first thing she did was pull out a freaking _sword_ and demand to know what we'd done with her brother."

"Had to make sure you guys weren't full of shit. Not sorry."

"Of course you aren't."

A silence.

"He is not going to be happy about this when he wakes up." there was a sort of despair in the kings voice, "I'm surprised he didn't jump out and start strangling me as soon as negotiations began."

"Oh, he tried. Me and Wendy had to hold him back. For a half-dead guy he puts up a hell of a fight."

"...that's comforting."

"He'll get over it," there was a sort of strain in her voice, "I know he doesn't want this for me and I know what he thinks about the system at large. I'm not going to stop though."

His heart hurt.

"I know he might not forgive me," her voice was low, "But I can't protect my hero unless I have the power to do so. And I can't change the damn system unless I have some control over it."

The last bit came out a bit wet.

"It'll be okay, Karen. He cares about you more than anything. There's no way he won't support you with everything he has if he knows this what you want. He just doesn't want you dragged into against your will... though I don't know why he's worried about that, after meeting you, with a literal army at my disposal I wasn't able to drag you an inch off of your decided path."

Waking up was probably in his best interest.

His brain was foggy.

He wanted to see Karen though. Confirm that the falling sword hadn't even grazed her.

He wanted to. He'd wanted to since he first felt consciousness edge into him.

His eyelids were so heavy though.

His entire body ached.

It felt like he'd been asleep for ages. He knew it couldn't have been long if they were still having such topical conversations. If the king of the elves hadn't already gone back to his own damn country _finally_.

He wasn't sure how he felt about the information the conversation brought to light. On one hand, his head was too foggy for this shit, on the other he'd somewhat suspected.

There was no way Kyle had managed to put _everything_ together in the short window of time on top of talking his fiery sister into the ludicrous plan when she already _knew_ what had happened to Kenny before.

It just wasn't enough time.

Unless some crazy elf-magic he didn't know about was involved but even he realized that was drawing for straws.

He wanted to still be mad at Kyle though. He really wanted to still feel betrayed and angry and maybe just strangle him a little.

Okay, strangle him a lot.

The idiot had planned to rescue him even without Karen's ascension to the throne. That much was clear from the conversation.

If nothing else he could be mad at how that disrespected his wishes to die in peace in place of his sister. Stan had been a guard around him from an early point into his imprisonment so he had to have already been halfway here by the time Kyle had even escaped.

Or teleportation. Or something. Or, goddamnit Kenny's head hurt from the possibilities and the stupidity. He just wanted to wake up and demand the answers.

How the hell had Kyle even managed to get so many of his men stationed in the castle?

Oh, wait. Mole, maids or guards, Tammy. He'd provided the king with all the information and connections needed, hadn't he?

New guards and maids were a consistent trend within the castle but even if there was an unusual influx, it was doubtful the wizard would have taken much notice. He made a point not to remember the 'lesser people'.

Tammy could smooth things over with anyone aside from the grand idiot and Kenny _had_ mentioned that Leslie wasn't to be trusted.

It was no wonder. Kenny already knew that the elf king was tactical and--

"So, what's got you so smitten with my brother if he hates you as much as you claim?"

Oh my god. Not this again.

A long suffering sigh, "Not this again."

"Again? This is the first time I've asked."

"Ah, no, just--look, it's not like that. I have a begrudging respect for him, he's the most selfless selfish bastard I've ever met. It's impressive. And I owe him my life. But that's where it ends."

A giggle, "Your face is pretty red though."

"Shit, she's right! Kyle, when were you going to _tell_ me you were crushing on the guy? No wonder you insisted I stay and watch over him."

"It's not like that!" It came out a bit squeaky.

Kenny laughed.

Openly, from the gut, he still couldn't open his damn eyes and he was so exhausted that even putting together simple puzzle pieces felt like an immense challenge, but laughter came nonetheless.

What was the ludicrous insanity that was his life? It was such a ridiculously not funny joke that he found it hilarious.

Oh, he'd have to share the joke with Kim the Sprout if he ever got the opportunity. That dude would totally appreciate the humor of it.

His laughter didn't die out for sometime and it had taken so much strength out of him that he couldn't really hear what was going on and there was a sharp pain in his side of what was probably stitches ripped from his laughter.

It was so ridiculous.

He could vaguely make out something panicky in Kyle's voice and it produced another giggle that hurt a little.

This was his exact problem with royalty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you have no fucking idea how hard it was not to make the queen kyle in drag ok, i wanted to write that so badly it hurt. like for real, it was never the plan and it wouldnt work with my planned direction but pffff just the idea of kenny entering the throne room like 'wheres this queen?! imma strangle kyle!!!' and then seeing kyle dressed in drag claiming to be queen mccormick, i just really wanted the hilarity of that scene even tho it wouldnt work at all XD;;;
> 
> im kinda wondering if i should write a companion fic to this. theres kinda a loooooottttttttt happening that isnt here but i rlly wanted to commit to a kenny pov and hes just not going to know about everything.
> 
> some obvs points that i just wanna clarify;  
> -karen started amassing an army and making plans to take over since kevin died. she doesnt trust kyle and co. //at all// when they first show up considering it was elven soldiers that killed kevin. she never told kenny because she knew he wouldnt approve/would actively try to stop her. she only //tentatively// trusts them initially because they cant know her and kenny's codeword unless a. theyre telling the truth or b. they have kenny and she needs them to lead her to her captive bro  
> -before kenny and kyle infiltrated the keep to replace the book, kyle used a communication spell to send a message to stan and the others to keep karen safe. this is the knowledge that enables kenny to not totally lose his shit when it becomes clear that cartman knows about karen now. he also requested that some of them come to pick them up afterwards, which is why stan and wendy were on their way (kenny didnt know about the last part)  
> -wendy is a commander because i love her  
> -cartman has an infatuation with butters that i wouldnt say is romantic but i wouldnt say it //wasnt// romantic either. they arent an item due to circumstances not mentioned in fic XD  
> -leslie has an entire story arc of her own actually (I actually rlly love leslie? i know its not obvs from this because she's kinda a villain) but watered down i made her money focused because thats the ultimate goal of an ad lol and she continued to support cartmans reign of terror because she knew exactly how to control him. she fears change  
> -idk this even matters but the original soldiers kenny and kyle escape from are actual sp characters, lmk if you noticed who from the descriptions XD (hint, think older)  
> -stan reeealllyyyyy wanted to tell kenny they were there to rescue him but kyle warned him against it and wendy enforced it because kyle was preeeeettyyy sure that kenny wouldnt approve of getting rescued and might undercut the plan if he knew  
> -js if kenny had //wanted// to escape and wasnt being a pouty lil emo, he coulda. idk if i managed to get it across in fic (i rlly hope i did) but kenny is kinda heartbroken over kevin dying and blames himself more than anyone else. part of the huge reason he hates royalty so much is because of self-hatred and his own hubris aiding in his brothers own death. that, along with the knowledge that he was consistently choosing selfish microscopic needs (protecting his sister) over the needs of the people piles on even more self-loathing. choosing the micro over the macro is exactly a trait he hates about royalty and a trait he knows he possesses  
> -stan never quite forgives kenny for punching him  
> -wendy and stan spent a lot of time in the castle digging up dirt and people that would testify and once they had enough they send shit to kyle and karen, who in return contacted foreign diplomats and shit. basically spending their entire time finding/confirming shady shit and re-allying kyle with the countries that had become estranged due to kenny's 'assassination'  
> -cartman is a story of pride before a fall. he didnt think anyone would dare cross him so he didnt cover up everything the way he shoulda. drunk on power and a bit foolish  
> -tricia tucker is a maid at the castle, she's the reason craig can break in anytime and the one that finds the 'm' symbol signalling her to contact her bro to break someone out of jail  
> -..............js if i ever wrote a sequel it would be tricia/karen maidxqueen with the brothers both horrified and other nonsense  
> -i was trying to foreshadow queen karen since chap 1 but since i didnt wanna spoil it i think i may have been too subtle >x>;;;; im sorry if it was too startling, im still new to the art of proper forshadowing  
> -theres other stuff but idk, im tired, its midnight XD''''  
> (alt title for this fic; the four girls that mean the world to kenny and the one king that totally lowkey accidentally stole his heart) (kim the sprout is a girl)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read this far!! I'm hoping to write an epilogue but I wanna finish some other stuff XD plz let me know what you thought if you have time :D


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